Life Via a Line

Recently, I underwent a lot of stress and emotional heartache when a friend, who actually I call my twin, went silent on me.  Everyday I frantically called, messaged through ever form possible until I could no longer sleep after nearly 6 days, as I could not just pop round, I decided to call every local hospital within 100 miles of their home.  I was growing incredibly impatient waiting as each receptionist checked the lists. Life is extremely hard when you want an answer about something and it just isn't coming, no matter how hard I tried to prod it into happening. I was growing frustrated.  I was growing frustrated with my frustrations about it. One hospital located them and I was put though to the ward who didn't answer, believing it may be change over time, I decided to find an alternative number and call back.  15 minutes later, I rung back and spoke to the sister to pass a message to them, which I did and had a phonecall within 10 minutes from the PA.  Th...

Back in January 2017, Theresa May, pledged to tackle Mental Health stigma as part of her vision for the Conservatives shared society. The Conservatives announced plans to transform the way mental illness is dealt with in classrooms, at work and in our communities. I believe that given the stakes, we cannot afford to be sceptical or dismissive about any initiative on stigma. Just as mental illness is a common phenomenon, so is stigma. Mental health problems affect around 450 million worldwide, of whom more than three quarters come from middle and low income countries.  It has been stated that at least one in four people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life and one in six adults have a mental health problem at any one time. In a recent study, three out of four patients with mental illness reported that they had experienced stigma. The same study also found that one in four members of the public thought depression was a sign of weakness and said ...

Underneath my cloak, I am a passionate person with goals in my life.  Like me, you’ve probably been at the in between stage more than a few times. This is the stage when you’ve identified your goals, broken them down, identified how to reach them, and started on that plan but for some unknown reason you’re not yet seeing the fruits of your labor. I am always incredibly ambitious and excited at the goal-setting stage, I embark on my path with a clear vision in front of me, then when I am in the throes of it or waiting on the sidelines for the next step. I end up feeling frustrated and completely stuck, it's a feeling like I am not making progress fast enough.  So I worry, going over my plan on my head again and again, sometimes during the night. Over the years, I have finally realized this is called the waiting stage and I have learnt this is known as the hardest part of goal setting.  This in between stage occurs in certain areas of life like it c...

On the Sunday during the Women’s First M ajor of the year, the ANA Inspiration, which was held from March 30-April 2nd 2017.  Lexi Thompson, the 22-year-old was set to win the second major of her career: with six holes left to play she led by three strokes. During the final round on the Sunday,  a TV viewer emailed in a video clip from Saturday’s play showing Lexi Thompson misplacing her marked ball on the putting green. The LPGA officials decided to hand Lexi Thompson an extremely controversial four stroke penalty onto her third round score and suddenly her lead by three strokes turned in the blink of an eye to second place.  The four strokes were in fact made up of two penalties, the first being a 2 stroke penalty for incorrectly placing a marked ball on the 17th green and the second two stroke penalty was for signing an incorrect scorecard. At the time of the notification of the penalty,  Lexi Thompson was -16 with six holes left and was ta...

I am feeling exhausted.   Everybody is exhausted, not just working women with children. We're all run ragged by a 24/7 society that never sleeps. We have an inability to switch off and relax, either because of internal anxieties or those placed upon us by work, by society or by all of these things. The new technological age that was supposed to bring us freedom by allowing us greater flexibility is, in fact, slowly killing us. Even the flexibility to work at home doesn't really make life any less exhausting. At the end of the working week, we have trouble sleeping. Sex is off the agenda, because we're all too tired for that. Everybody is so tired, working late, travelling, everyone has more pressures, everyone seems to worry about things.  In general, it's as if people cannot talk about being exhausted because they feel they are failing and fear that people will witness this failing.  People seem to be terrified that if they don't just carry on ...

Someone once told me that  A life well lived is not necessarily full of glory and admiration, but one of clear intention and authenticity. Since having my chest line inserted, each day I adopt 5 simple rules; 1) I am Alive First thing every morning I give thanks for I am alive.  I take a deep breath in and a slow breath out and just truly relax regardless of my pain. I tell myself that today I will give everything 110% and I get up. 2) Bring my best self forward When I walk out the door, I feel as if I’m ready to take the world on single handed, welcoming and honoring the new day and each task as an opportunity to bring my best self forward. 3) Live for Right Now Unfortunately, I have wasted so many days, weeks and months waiting for a time that I would be a bit better.  My life had no order and permanence to it. Having the chest line inserted permanently has shown me that this time we all seem to wait for never comes. I had to stop this fantasy of thinking li...

Today, I had my first face to face review with my Consultant  at Kings since I had my permanent line fitted. This morning was also the first time my wife did the flush and lock at home. My appointment went very well, we made a plan and even discussed revisiting the Rituximab that we trialled last August and September.  For me, the most importance part of today was I felt happier, I wasn't angry and stressed and wanting to blame everything and everyone. It has taken me so long to get to this place.  I have realised that when I am observing everything without judgment and accepting everything just as it is, I feel completely at peace with myself and I know I have experienced real happiness within today at Kings.  My Consultant even noticed how different I was.  The sad fact is, Many people don’t learn this lesson, they spend all their lives stuck in unpleasant circumstances they hate. Until they learn this lesson, they will keep being s...

The Solheim Cup has just finished and will remain in the USA, after a 5 point win over Europe. The opening tee shot of Mel Reid blew me away, then in my humble opinion, the standard of golf, over the second two days was of a very high quality. The opening day's foursomes was scrappy and teams exchanged birdies and pars taking a hole with either.  Twitter was rife with Team USA whitewash but I don't really agree and I am not being biased, Europe took the opening foursomes and they shared the Friday morning foursomes, Sundays singles was drawn at 6 a piece.  Europe need to brush up on their four all, they won only one and lost the other 7 matches.  So not really the whitewash Twitter was claiming.  Europe have a young team now with, I think if I am correct 3 rookies included.   I watched hole outs from everywhere and absolutely awe inspiring golf, golf that made me proud actually, I watched comebacks on the final day from Lexi for the USA and Matthew for Europe....

The 15th Solheim Cup, were has the time gone, I remember my favourite players of yesteryear competing with us going against formidable US captains such as Rankin, Lopez, Bradley and Sheehan.  Today, like everything, we have our new crop of European players, Hull would make Poulter proud I feel. Sorenstam, is one of all my all time golfing heroines along with Laura Davies.  I have been lucky enough to meet Dame Laura in her own home (I will do a flashback blog to this at some point). Sorenstam as Captain got massive thumbs up from me.  From the crop of new players, the beautiful Mel Reid and Pettersen are my favs, no comments please!!  On Saturday evening, the USA needed 5.5 points and everyone believed the outcome was inevitable even before a Sunday shot was struck. Unfortunately for Europe, the USA did not stumble, Sorenstam and the European team are worthy of massive credit for a singles showing that saw them draw six points a side. The Europeans it seems would ...

Recently , I have gone through a pattern of negative thinking, triggered by some difficult circumstances external to me and a little everyday stress thrown in. Last night, I lay awake for nearly three hours, it makes me feel incredibly helpless.  Laying awake always makes things feel a thousand times worse as well. I know some people get stuck in constant cycles of negativity, so much so that it becomes their default way of life.  Negativity satisfies a deep need for a sense of control over our lives, it keeps us from being disappointed when disaster visits. As humans we can become trapped in a cycle of negativity, it's as if we trade joy and happiness for certainty. It’s a huge price to pay, because in truth, the certainty craved is actually an illusion. Unfortunately, I have experienced the toxic effects of negative thinking, being outed at Secondary School meant that I was always on guard for negative comments from others, like most teens, I was constantly te...

It was like being hit by a truck. The full impact of this truck took years. Acute Pain can be cured but Chronic Pain is a whole different ballgame, this needs management.  I understand everything about the different kinds of sensation and pain within my body,  Most importantly, I know that my body is a complex system of many different parts working together, not a set of connected but separate pieces. Growing up, I never wanted to be dependent on anything.  Now, I take a number of different medications every day. I’m no longer independent. My strength of will I believed would always be enough to get me through anything, how very wrong was I. I learned that my body and mind have both infinite strength, but also fragility and vulnerability.  I’m slowly learning to embrace my vulnerability as well as the strength. I am incredibly skeptical of any alternative therapy after paying through the nose in the past for kinesiology, I was at a point when ...

In life, most of us want to be successful, if not in monetary terms, then by our own definitions. I, like everyone want to feel a sense of meaning, I want to do something worthwhile that I can be proud of, something that matters. Life moves so fast sometimes that often we get caught up in becoming who we want to be, while we miss out on being that person now. Like everyone, I have spent my life so far striving so much so that I have actually forgotten to just simply enjoy my life.  Often days pass by like I am in a race and I feel anxious to reach the finish line, then straight away I move on to the next item.  Achievements minus passion. So, like everything, I am spending time working on all of this.  I know, I can absolutely   reach my goals, and I will keep working on those things that will get me there, my whole purpose doesn’t need to be something that I can physically reach but It can be something I feel and enjoy right now.

I have grown up playing high level competitive sport.  I became an expert at figuring out other people’s expectations and meeting them. This got me approval, but it never made me happy. In life, being good at something is never a replacement for loving it. I was addicted to academic achievement because it earned me approval. After all of this led me almost into an early grave with stress and pressure, I realized how important it was to make time for the things that made me feel alive, the things that made me feel alive pushed me into the intermediate pile, sometimes, beginner. I accept myself the way I am, competitive.  Part of me constantly points out all the room for improvement.  The voices inside me don't need to compete they need to get along.  Accepting my skill level at anything other than golf, tennis and science is hard for me.  Assuming that my skills can’t or won’t ever get better is self-sabotage. To work on improving myself is...

This year, I have made a few changes.  Truthfully, I had, had enough of the lameness that was freezing my previous life.  Everyday felt the same, meeting the same people, and doing the same things. Over and over again. Enough was enough.  Firstly, I knew I had to change the way I perceived mistakes and that one change made all the difference all on its own. My life feels more exciting than ever.  This year I have met some awesome people and done some awesome things. Along with this, obviously I have also undergone a lot of treatment, some through temporary Vas Caths in my neck and then I had my permanent chest line inserted.  Like everyone, I also make a few mistakes, which I think are necessary in life.  Making mistakes allows me to build up a massive amount of experience, this experience builds up my knowledge allowing me to do new things. This year I have also had to do new things, the agreement for the chest line was a simple one to make, I have ...

The last few weeks, I have spent a lot of time with my family, mainly my sister and her son, Elliott.  I had three sessions of treatment last week and my father and sister joined me for one session. Family is a funny thing,  although I have grown up with my siblings, listening to and being influenced by my parents, We have all ended up so unique, I am so different from them and different from my parents who raised me. Family can get under my skin quicker than anyone else.  We are all unique, we have our own individual traits.  In life, it is true that we tend to have the most opinions about, and agendas for, the ones with whom we have the deepest emotional connection.  The love between family is unconditional, often spending time together can be the perfect breeding ground for I-can’t-believe-she-said-that and I-must-be-adopted. Over the years, I remember all the silly rows and little fights, the frustration and the annoyance and you all just blame ea...

I am not dead and I am not dying, so you may wonder why I write that death has taught me what I need to know about life. This past year, I have attended countless funerals, it sort of makes you feel that the universe has a conspiracy or that God is having some clear out.  Over the last few years I have lost both my grandfather's and some friends from the Golf Club. Often when you have a run like this, I have found that I let the unannounced and uninvited negative thoughts I have to overshadow the shackled positive thoughts within me, yearning for a release. I know that I have not been singled out for anything bad, as I also had a lot of blessings to be thankful for. I have just chosen to not focus on the good in my life for a while.  In life, I know that I am a survivor. When I was in my early 20s, I lost my best friend and golf teacher Gordon.  Every passing moment after he died showed me that I could live this life I had been given.  I had to prove I was ...

Have you ever felt selfish for wanting to put your needs first?  Have you learned that even when you’ve complied with everyone’s wishes and whims they still weren’t happy, and you weren’t either? This is the deception of people pleasing.  There is no tragedy greater than being alive but not feeling it because you’re numb, aloof, and emotionless. For many years between my teens and mid 20s, I lived this way, showing all the signs of being alive but never truly living. That’s because I felt a strong desire to give all of myself in order to pay back the world for everything I’d been given. It took me a while to identify the missing piece from my life.  I wasn't living as the person I was, I was living my life to please others, make them happy and follow society's rules.  The more of this I did, the less fulfilled I felt. I learned to shape my personality, behaviors, and reactions according to what other people wanted o...

Family are a vital part of life.  For 99.9% of the time they are your everything and you love them but for the rest of the time you cannot stand them.  In the end, family is family.  I believe, I am just like my dad, in both positive and negative ways.  I believe our downside is that we have the ability to become angry, we can be very quiet and we try to please everyone then resent others for their own imbalance. I used to blame my snappy behaviour on my dad growing up, at school and at work.  Like blaming him was an excuse.  On closer self-reflection, I found myself getting angrier and angrier that I was like my dad and becoming more like him.  My father is fantastic in everyway, he has always been there for me always, he is great but everytime I lost my temper or became overly frustrated, Internally I would blame my dad.  Accepting no accountability for my actions that led me to this actual state.  My dad was waking me up to own my anger...

Today was the funeral of a friend from the Golf Club, he was 46 years old and left a wife and 2 young children.  The service was beautiful, it was in a church well known to me because we had my best friend Gordon's services​ in the same place years ago. This year I have attended countless funerals.  It makes you really wonder what life is all about? We wake up day after day and go to a job we can barely stand. Some of us might be in an unsatisfying relationship that’s on its last breath, but we can’t seem to let it go. Maybe a few of us spend more money than we have, or we eat or drink too much because it’s the only thing that distracts us from the misery of life. Whatever the distraction, being unhappy, and powerless to change this is a horrid situation.  During my early relationship with my wife we had some issues that seemed to bring my life to a screeching halt, I was devastated and at the time wanted to die.  I felt completely lost a...

Grudges are absolutely poisonous. Deep down inside, I know I should vanish them from my mind. Over time grudges have stolen my happiness, I have bottled up anger that has robbed me of other things too. Grudges creep into our relationships.  I try and think of it that, We are imperfect people living with other imperfect people in a very messed up world. We do though,  get to choose if we are going to put a higher price tag on our relationships and save them from ruin, we learn that not every relationship is worth saving, but some are, some are worth fighting for.  In every relationship there are arguements and at the time of each arguement, a decision needs to made whether the reason for the arguement can be let go or not.  This isn't about winning or losing, it is simply about whether the reasons behind the arguement are worth ruining a relationship over. Once all the anger has passed, often that is when we realise that the arguement was caused by petty issues. ...

Life is full of stories,  Some stories merely create a ripple in our lives, while others go deeper.  So much deeper that they can change the course of our lives. This change can be dramatic and even drastic. My life story, is no sadder or deeper than anyone else’s. It’s just my life and how I choose to respond to it, I have realized, is what really matters. My story was and actually still is big enough to change the course of my life. I had to respond, I had no choice, I am not really a holistic person but I have had to do it holistically, and by letting go and by trusting what life has in store for me. It is never easy, nothing ever is nowadays,  And I certainly didn’t decide to respond in such a way overnight. What is my life-changing story? My story as you know is about my prior life of golf, rules nerd, gym addict and workaholic then my life since 2010 consisting of my auto immune neuromuscular condition, no golf, my permanent c...

Today, I have undergone a plasma exchange.  It is my first this week and I will undergo another tomorrow and another Wednesday.  I am now 4 weeks out from the last set, so we are trialing our plan.  The plan will be discussed when I return to Kings later on this month for a review. They seemed incredibly slow to get it started today, once it got started it ran well.  It was the first time my dad has come and the second time my sister has come, but was her first at Canterbury.  Leading up to today, I had pulled my line carrying some boxes and having a clear out of our second bedroom at our little holiday caravan.  It was painful, incredibly sore and bled and I have had some sleepless nights with the pain.  I needed the line to be checked to ensure I hadn't damaged it.  Today, we exchanged 6 bottles, blood pressure stayed incredibly stable. Heart rate was steady and temperature normal with no spike. The line was checked, well the r...

Pioneering research at the University of Liverpool, has led to a potential breakthrough in the treatment of severe, longstanding and seemingly therapy-resistant Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) which could help people like me with autoimmune conditions. Investigating whether an autoimmune mechanism was responsible for causing CRPS, researchers found a high incidence of auto-antibodies in people suffering CRPS.  These auto-antibodies alter sensory nerve function in the peripheral nervous system, strongly suggesting that auto-antibodies are contributing to CRPS. Noting these results, researchers treated CRPS patients with Plasma Exchange Therapy.  During Plasma Exchange, blood is extracted through a vein in the patient’s arm. The blood is separated by a machine into its constituent parts and the abnormal blood plasma removed, a process known as apheresis. The plasma is then replaced by a substitute before the blood is returned to the patient’s body through a ve...

Growing up, I was told that your heart pounds when you’re in love. To me, the very idea of opening up and letting love in can bring on the wrong kind of palpitations.  Saying yes to love… back then felt like standing naked, bare naked, with every inch of me on show. Completely vulnerable. Or so I thought. You see, I was called a few different things growing up. People said I was reserved, quiet, socially awkward and shy. The honest truth was, I was just scared to let anyone in. I felt I needed an impregnable forcefield. To stay safe. To be in control, and I needed space, lots of it. As a teenager, getting close to people, close enough to fall in love, well, that was far too intense and personal for me back then. Growing up, my family was busy, busy, busy.  Everything was about practicality, working hard, and getting things done.  I never remember lots of affection shown between adults.  Sometimes, life felt secretive, which often made m...

I have always thought I was fairly well adjusted and secure. I knew, like everyone, I have some issues but I could pass as fairly confident, self-assured, and not at all needy. But like everything, all that changed in the middle of 2010 when in early Summer, I became poorly during the monthly Stableford. My subtle thought pattern of fear, distrust, projection, and unhappiness started creeping back in from my teens and early 20s. Again? Seriously? I really did think that I was past all that. As it turns out, my issues ran so much deeper than I thought they did. I knew in my late teens, I was emotionally distant.  I believed, I was better off alone and I lived in an internal world where my needs were most important. In the early days of my relationships, when my partner looked to me for comfort, I failed and turnt off my feelings and therefore failed to react. Looking back to 2010, things had changed, I, with help from my partner has worked on me and I was secure because I was ha...

I have thoroughly enjoyed the first two seasons of the thriller series Mr. Robot and I am enjoying the occasional leaks of the third season.   By day, the alienated junkie nerd Elliott works as a corporate cyber-security expert; by night, he became part of a radical hacker group called FSociety. He’d been recruited by the mysterious Mr. Robot.  Later, it was exposed that Mr. Robot was Elliott’s dead father. Elliott’s colleague Darlene was in fact his sister.  By the finale, FSociety had accomplished its goal: it had hacked Wall Street and dissolved global debt, erasing student loans, hospital bills, and exploitative mortgages.  Conformist bad guys, cheaters, porn hounds and bankers were hacked and blackmailed; a Wall Street shill shot himself in the head on live TV; and, at the end, the screen swarmed with protesters in Mr. Monopoly masks, holding signs that read “We Do Not Compromise.” I would say that series made me feel vulnerable from the very be...

We all cry, everyone one of us, some of us cry at the slightest thing, some of us cry more than others, some of us struggle to cry. Today, I am not here to divide us by the liters of tears we have shed. Today, we are all the same.  At one time or other, we all feel sad, stressed, overwhelmed, scared, and frustrated at times.  Today, I want to share that it is ok to be in tears sometimes, do not be ashamed.  Often when you cannot handle a situation and you cry it doesn't mean you are a failure.  When you spend a huge part of your life busy and successful it's hard to cry when you feel broken.  Sometimes I cry when I am happy.  It's ok to cry when life gets hard, let it all out, I sometimes do it, it takes a lot to make me cry, I feel too proud to cry sometimes.  When I cry, it's a massive release.  It the only release I have now,  shedding my tears. We all shouldn't be afraid to feel our feelings.  When we cry, smil...