My life going forward

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I have grown up playing high level competitive sport. 

I became an expert at figuring out other people’s expectations and meeting them. This got me approval, but it never made me happy.

In life, being good at something is never a replacement for loving it. I was addicted to academic achievement because it earned me approval.

After all of this led me almost into an early grave with stress and pressure, I realized how important it was to make time for the things that made me feel alive, the things that made me feel alive pushed me into the intermediate pile, sometimes, beginner.

I accept myself the way I am, competitive.  Part of me constantly points out all the room for improvement.  The voices inside me don't need to compete they need to get along. 

Accepting my skill level at anything other than golf, tennis and science is hard for me.  Assuming that my skills can’t or won’t ever get better is self-sabotage. To work on improving myself is a kind of self-acceptance. I accept my ability to learn—however slow and awkward that learning process might be, this is how I feel currently about my photography.

Some people say that we should always try to be better than who we were yesterday. I can’t agree with that. Some days, I’m less patient, less energetic, and less kind than I was the day before and for me that is who I am.

I am learning to do the best at just one thing that is being a friend to myself.  It’s not an easy job believe me. It’s not easy to unconditionally love me and motivate myself to make changes. It’s not easy to hold myself when I am at utter breaking point during treatment and then have to push myself to be a better me the next day. It’s a paradox and a balancing act. It’s hard, but I am kind of coming round to he  a fact that it is incredibly worthwhile.

I have spent so many years competing. Trying to be the best. Trying to be perfect. Trying to get recognized, acknowledged, noticed. Trying. Trying. Trying.

I know that these days are over for me now.  No more grades, no more medals or my name up on boards, I have to push my passion into my treatment, the lightness I feel when I am in only half the pain, this is now my reward.  

Today, life is all about self-esteem.  Everyone believes they can be anything they want to be and that they can conquer the world.  This simply is not true.  Self-esteem is nothing but a cheap replacement for self-love. I don’t need to esteem myself. I know I’m an awkward, beautiful mess. At most of the things I do, I’m somewhere between mediocre and interesting. At some things, I’m between awful and mediocre.

My life is about learning about myself.  Trying to be my own friend.  My own best friend actually, an intimate friend, fellow voyager, curious companion.
Maybe to you this doesn’t sound like much, to me, it’s an accomplishment that I achieve and celebrate everyday.

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