Life Via a Line

I have not posted in a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.   2020 -  I have been poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister and have read around 30 books. I have spent a lot of time thinking.   This morning I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.   The last few months I have thought a lot about life.  Life does not have to be stretched endlessly to have impact and meaning.  I believe we can all cram each and every moment with as much passion and as much love as possible. It does not require the average life span to feel accomplished. Life brings happiness and splendidness but I think

Beliefs guide our choices, which ultimately create our results. I have always split my beliefs into two groups - the first group is a prison, my beliefs keep me trapped in negative thinking and then negative behaviour.  The second group is empowerment, my beliefs can be empowering and lead to courageous action and new possibilities for me. Beliefs are simple to explain, let's say you believe people are bad, so that leads you to living a guarded life closed off to everything life can offer leaving you lonely and bitter.  On the other hand if you believe people are good, you will continually, no matter what,  always see the best in them, developing friendships and relationships that make you feel connected.   Likewise, if you believe good things never happen to you, you will never make an effort.  But, if you believe the past doesn’t have to dictate your future, you will continually try different things and create possibilities for yourself.   Same world, different beliefs, diffe

I have not posted since June.  I have been busy with this and that - treatment, emergency appointments in London and getting a new rescue puppy.  I even found time to go to Ireland.  Slow Down Calm Down Stop Worrying I hear these sentences so often.  The only difference now is the sentences are not linked to work.  When I am not at work, I am focused on achieving this, that and the other.  I worry continually if my wife is ok, if Lindo is ok, if little India is ok.     Even though I get alot done, a huge percentage of my time is taken up by hospital, doctors and treatment. I leave work at a reasonable hour now, I have done my years of endless hours. I have family time now with my wife, Lindo and India, I never had this before.  I have time to wander, to read and achieve. I have time to listen, to watch and appreciate.   Life is more meaningful, I have time to unwind and to have fun.  I am learning to focus on what's important to me, for so long I took everything for grante

This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe side of life? It's a far easier choice than comm

I have trust issues, this isn't a new revelation as I have touched on this before.  My trust issues have not really ever gone away.      I am now 40, I realize looking back that I never really let people in, mainly for fear that they would let me down, belittle me or make me feel small, or otherwise diminish me in some way. I kept people at a distance, and this impacted my ability to have close, connected relationships/friendships. I used to think I had trust issues because of the way I was as a child, but I’ve come to realize there’s more to it than that. Trust was a matter of what other people did, how they treated me or how they disappointed me.  As I got older, I realised my trust issues are more about me than other people. Now, aged 40,  I may have some small wounds like everyone does from not receiving the emotional nurturing I needed when growing up. I have trust issues not because I distrust others, but because I don’t trust me.  I knew it was bloody scary but in

I believe that the world today is driven purely by ego.  We are in a 24/7 society that unfortunately seems to be in a constant state of comparison.  We compare ourselves to others, judge our performances or we are judged (usually harshly), we define our worth by our bank balance and look at success based on our career achievements, and  we are actually our own worst critics as we criticize ourselves for failure. I personally have underachieved by today's standards based of the fact that I left my pharmacy degree.  In my head, I had no choice, I showed signs of poor health that I could no longer hide, mentally I was top of my game - I was a year rep chosen by my peers, 100% attendance and straights A's but I was done. Since then I have worked incredibly hard and I don't punish myself because what is the point? This happened for a reason, I want to believe it is fate, it obviously was not meant to be.   I had to move forward, I was temporarily lost as my life was mapped ou