Lifes Stories

Life is full of stories,  Some stories merely create a ripple in our lives, while others go deeper.  So much deeper that they can change the course of our lives.

This change can be dramatic and even drastic.

My life story, is no sadder or deeper than anyone else’s. It’s just my life and how I choose to respond to it, I have realized, is what really matters.

My story was and actually still is big enough to change the course of my life.

I had to respond, I had no choice, I am not really a holistic person but I have had to do it holistically, and by letting go and by trusting what life has in store for me.

It is never easy, nothing ever is nowadays,  And I certainly didn’t decide to respond in such a way overnight.

What is my life-changing story?

My story as you know is about my prior life of golf, rules nerd, gym addict and workaholic then my life since 2010 consisting of my auto immune neuromuscular condition, no golf, my permanent chest line and a life full of plasma exchanges and hospital visits. 

In all my adulthood, up until 2010, I had been in control of virtually everything in my life, and was very successful. I did well in golf, I had been Lady CPT, passed rules exams,  bought a home, travelled, had the Labrador I always wanted, did well in the NHS and was in a long term relationship with the woman I was in love with.

In mid 2010, for the first time, something that was considered so integral to my life was failing.  When something unexpected comes along like a long term incurable medical condition, I had to take a step back, I had to look at everything in my life and decide how I was going to accept this and respond. 
This was something that I did—eventually.

I still could choose to lead a purposeful life, one that could be enriching and filled with meaning. And the steps, I decide to take each day will create that life.

I had to be brave, braver than I had ever been.  Many of us have our lives totally mapped out, this is where I’m going to live, this what work I want to do, to the point where we may not question whether it’s what we truly want.  When something unexpected happens that changes our life plans, it shakes us to our core.
I had become vulnerable, unsure of myself and unsure of what to do and this felt extremely uncomfortable. Finding out I was poorly was bad enough but finding out it couldn't be made to just go away was even worse, I had to be brave and
ride those feelings out and somehow get through to the other side. 

I knew that even though my life had not turned out the way I had planned, that didn't mean that I had failed.  I was bloody angry and incredibly hurt, I knew this was natural and it meant I was being honest with myself.  I had to accept my situation and bloody quickly.  I had to accept what is and this allowed me to think clearly and make positive decisions.

I had to be open, open minded about treatment, open minded to a new life.
It has taken me years to get to a mindset that there’s no point hanging on to what could’ve been, because it was making me bitter and incredibly resentful.  This mindset knew that letting go of my golf was a part of moving forward and would mean I would stop this daily persecution. 

For a very long time, a number of years infact, I believed my condition and what had happened to me was my fault.  I had stopped trusting myself and I had to turn this around otherwise I would be useless.
I was advised that I had to let go, I had to go with the flow, I hate all this hippie shit especially as I was always in control of my own destiny and my daily life.

I had to learn to go with the flow of my life, once I did, it gave me the strength to handle anything life threw at me.