Creating Problems

By -

The last few weeks, I have spent a lot of time with my family, mainly my sister and her son, Elliott.  I had three sessions of treatment last week and my father and sister joined me for one session.

Family is a funny thing,  although I have grown up with my siblings, listening to and being influenced by my parents, We have all ended up so unique, I am so different from them and different from my parents who raised me.

Family can get under my skin quicker than anyone else.  We are all unique, we have our own individual traits. 
In life, it is true that we tend to have the most opinions about, and agendas for, the ones with whom we have the deepest emotional connection. 

The love between family is unconditional, often spending time together can be the perfect breeding ground for I-can’t-believe-she-said-that and I-must-be-adopted.
Over the years, I remember all the silly rows and little fights, the frustration and the annoyance and you all just blame each other.
Everyone describes their family so differently.  Everyone of course has their own opinion which is normal.
I thoroughly enjoy anytime I spend with my family but I realise not everyone is this lucky.

When I’m around my family, my mind tells predictable, old tales tinged with happiness, frustration and fear, full of why-do-they-do that, remember-when-we-did-that and they-don’t-ever, and what-about-me.
Sometimes, my mind is full of stories of how we should feel around each other, how we should be on the same page, how people should listen to each other more, sometimes these stories have nothing to do with my family.  It actually is to do with my own unmet expectations and my own biased mind in the moment.  This had such an impact on me because your mind is a funny place, it's so personal.  When my mind is quiet, everything is fine,  when my mind is loud, everything is chaotic.

Sometimes my mind creates its own problems.  Often I have tried to intervene on things that might of naturally blown over; and fear, self-doubt, or resentment might have me staying quiet when there is a actual reason to intervene.
Minds have the power to create constant re-runs even if you don't want that.  When my mind is completely clear I know what to do and how to go about it immediately. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My tunnelled line

By -
Image
My central line was inserted on the 16th June at Kings, central lines can also be called a skin-tunnelled central venous catheter or Hickman or even a Groshong Line. The lines are long, hollow tubes made from silicone rubber. My neck was checked several times for a suitable vein using ultrasound technology, this areas was then cleaned thoroughly with antiseptic solution.  They used a local anaesthetic to numb the area and then made a small cut in my skin near my collarbone on my right side, this is the Insertion Site.  This site was secured by stitches. The tip of the line was then gently threaded into the large vein above my heart. The other end of the line was then tunnelled under the skin and an exit area was made in my chest and secured via stitches, I was then x-rayed to ensure the line was in the correct position.  The lines (I have 2) are sealed with a bung and the lines have been heplocked to avoid clotting and are clamped during non use. This exit are...
Read more

Feeling Regrounded

By -
This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...
Read more

Life

By -
I have not posted for a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October 2019 till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.   2020 -  I was poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister to Bath, had a lovely break in Yorkshire with my wife and our dogs.  I set out to read around 30 books and read close to 100. I spent a lot of time thinking.   In early 2020, I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.   I now have a beautiful little niece and I am looking forward to what 2021 brings, it's March 30th and the sun is shining and I am sat with India in the garden.  So, after spending a year in shielding and ...
Read more