Feelings and me

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I have always thought I was fairly well adjusted and secure. I knew, like everyone, I have some issues but I could pass as fairly confident, self-assured, and not at all needy. But like everything, all that changed in the middle of 2010 when in early Summer, I became poorly during the monthly Stableford.

My subtle thought pattern of fear, distrust, projection, and unhappiness started creeping back in from my teens and early 20s. Again? Seriously? I really did think that I was past all that.

As it turns out, my issues ran so much deeper than I thought they did.

I knew in my late teens, I was emotionally distant.  I believed, I was better off alone and I lived in an internal world where my needs were most important. In the early days of my relationships, when my partner looked to me for comfort, I failed and turnt off my feelings and therefore failed to react.
Looking back to 2010, things had changed, I, with help from my partner has worked on me and I was secure because I was happy and content in my relationship, we both were.  We were in a secure place, we had a beautiful home and 2 gorgeous dogs.  As I have progressed into my 30s, I have been able to offer support to my wife and have become more open and honest in my daily interactions and needs. I can, hand on my heart say that I am now the happiest I have ever been, I love and I am loved, our relationship has stood the tests and we have remained together through trust and working as a team.

I have known that I have felt anxious for around 3 month's now but I never really understood anxiety because I believed that would never happen to me.  Like everything with me, I learned to push the feelings down and to ignore them.  I decided to sit with the anxiety and think about why I was feeling anxious. What did I really feel? Why was I so anxious? Where was this coming from?  As I sat there, I realized that I was actually feeling scared, then I cried and cried some more.  I was petrified.  The crying was reassurance, self assurance that I was going to be ok.  When I stopped crying I felt better.

In the last 7 years, I have faced fears that I never knew existed inside me.  I have felt pain, I still feel pain.  I think I have actually felt every human emotion at one point or other. 
Every now and again demons resurface, when I think they are all dealt with they pop up and surprise me just when I think they are long gone.
Currently, I feel insecure, insecure about all of my future, work, health and so on.  I have to beat this insecurity before it beats me.  When I am insecure I push everything deep inside me and I push people away. 
The last few months, I have learnt that I’m not a bad person. I’m not mean, insincere or ruthless. I’m scared. Just scared.  I have a biological response due to the last 7yrs.   This fear has done its time, it's time has come and it needs to retire.

The past 7 years are over and I cannot change it, the chest line is in, my rainy day came early, but my future has not yet occurred.

Do I want to be my own worst enemy or my own best friend? It's my time to decide.

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