This is what it means to Love

Growing up, I was told that your heart pounds when you’re in love.

To me, the very idea of opening up and letting love in can bring on the wrong kind of palpitations.  Saying yes to love… back then felt like standing naked, bare naked, with every inch of me on show.

Completely vulnerable.

Or so I thought.

You see, I was called a few different things growing up. People said I was reserved, quiet, socially awkward and shy.

The honest truth was, I was just scared to let anyone in. I felt I needed an impregnable forcefield. To stay safe. To be in control, and I needed space, lots of it.
As a teenager, getting close to people, close enough to fall in love, well, that was far too intense and personal for me back then.

Growing up, my family was busy, busy, busy.  Everything was about practicality, working hard, and getting things done.  I never remember lots of affection shown between adults.  Sometimes, life felt secretive, which often made me feel awkward.

I suppose, growing up, I didn’t really know how to love. And yet, it’s supposed to be an innate trait.  Growing up, love and affection felt awkward.  Love seemed equally dangerous and mysterious at the same time.

I learned to keep everything inside, and everyone outside.

As a teenager, I felt that unless I made some changes, I would never know the absolute security of another’s love. I would never hear someone telling me everything would be okay. That they’d be there for me, whatever life threw my way. And I’d never be able to be there for someone else.

Love doesn’t grow and flourish because you dress up or make yourself up. All it needs is for you to show up, to be fully present.

As a teen, I spent a lot of time caught up in my head, paralyzed by my fears and insecurities.  You can’t love or be loved when you’re physically there but mentally somewhere else.

Love is a powerful force, As a teen I feared the slightest puncture in my protective force field. I worried that if I opened up even a little, it would be the end of me. Somehow staying closed felt like protection. If I let someone in, I couldn’t control what would happen. If I kept everyone out, nothing could go wrong.

Being truthful in love goes further than just not telling lies. It takes being the real you, the wonderfully imperfect you.  Pretending to be someone you’re not or disguising how you feel sends a worrying message to the person who loves you. Human beings have an inbuilt alarm when they sense someone isn’t telling them the whole truth.

I had an image of the ‘perfect me,’ and it didn’t include being vulnerable. So I lied about the true me in everything I said and did. I pretended that I didn’t worry, didn’t need help, and that I knew exactly where I was heading in life. Those lies alone alienated some amazingly wonderful and loving people who would have been life-long friends… if I’d let them.

When I finally fell in love, it took me a few years to figure out that it was as much my responsibility to listen as to talk, love is a conversation, not a monologue.

In the beginning my head was too full of all the things I wanted to explain, my heart too full of all the emotions I wanted to express. And my mouth was too full of all the words I needed heard.
When I listened, I learnt valuable insights each and every time. I heard their concerns, self-doubts, and their words of love. I was able to help, support, and feel the growing connection we had. 

You can’t speak the language of love until you learn to listen first.  Love has taught me there’s another way, that it’s more important to be honest and truly understand each other than to simple appease each other.

All love wants to hear is “That’s okay. I love you for who you are.” Accepting the other person for who they are doesn’t guarantee love will flourish, for that to have a chance of happening, you have to accept yourself for who you are as well.  I needed to embrace my human-ness, my less than polished edges, and all my quirks and hers in equal measure.

I could be the amazing me that I had learnt to be, and she could be her wonderful self too.

It was always hard to try and remember that whenever there are two people involved, there are going to be mistakes and misunderstandings. That’s a given.

I had imagined opening up my heart and allowing love in.  I had imagined feeling more confident in who I was. Confident enough to be open, honest, and kind in a relationship, I had the ability to listen, understand, accept, support, and forgive.

And I have achieved all of what I imagined and all that I used to run from.