Control

Recently, I underwent a lot of stress and emotional heartache when a friend, who actually I call my twin, went silent on me.  Everyday I frantically called, messaged through ever form possible until I could no longer sleep after nearly 6 days, as I could not just pop round, I decided to call every local hospital within 100 miles of their home.  I was growing incredibly impatient waiting as each receptionist checked the lists.

Life is extremely hard when you want an answer about something and it just isn't coming, no matter how hard I tried to prod it into happening. I was growing frustrated.  I was growing frustrated with my frustrations about it.

One hospital located them and I was put though to the ward who didn't answer, believing it may be change over time, I decided to find an alternative number and call back.  15 minutes later, I rung back and spoke to the sister to pass a message to them, which I did and had a phonecall within 10 minutes from the PA.  They had been rushed in after our last message to each other 6 days previously, I actually cried with relief and slept for the first time in 6 days.  

The following morning, my eyes were drawn to the spitfires that often fly overhead, their aerial dance is choreographed and elegant, I realized that the pilots simply let go.  It dawned on me as I watched the planes in flight that I’m rarely successful when I try to push or pull something in order to make it happen. Making an effort is noble and often necessary, but forcing something or worrying about it seldom yields the results that I want.

In life, sometimes I believe you just have to let go of the tight grip of how you think things should be and how quickly they should come together and simply just let things run this course, something that I have never been able to do. 

In life, when you release control and let life carry you along, paradoxically, I know it would help me gain more control of my attitude and my response to what's happening around me. Never has this been truer in my life than when my best friend was dying.  I was living in Spain at the time he became poorly and was found to have several brain tumors, coming home made it extremely difficult for me as within weeks he had deteriorated dramatically and was now in hospice care, unable to recognise anyone and very angry and frustrated at life. 

Later that week, the unthinkable happened and he passed away from bronchial pneumonia and bleeding in the lungs brought on by the disease.  In the May of the previous year he had been diagnosed with variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease and not told anyone and had continued working as long as his health would allow.  I had to accept what was, even if I didn't like it.  I had to breathe, attempt to relax and let go. 

 All of my future was suddenly blank, I had spent so long in my life with him there for me, not only in my golf but also in my life. I never once gave up faith or hope that I would get through this, I didn't want too, being honest I was lost.   I visualized my future,  I saw myself strong, becoming Lady Captain and playing off of + handicap. I smashed all these targets and at each and every opportunity said thank you to him and when I got married last May,  I mentioned him in my speech.  

But, at the time after he died, when I was in my twenties, I couldn’t plan. I had to give in and completely let go. Just like the spitfires I see overhead most of the Summer and most weekends,  I couldn’t allow myself to become impatient or to force the outcome. I had to ride on the wind and let the currents carry me.  Two months later, I was diagnosed as diabetic due to the stress losing him had played on my body.

We all have those times in our lives when we want things to be the way we believe they should be, the way we planned them to be. Sometimes life has another path for us.  Everything that is meant for us, I believe has a tendency to come to us and the doors that are not meant to open for us just simply stay shut.

In life, desires take longer to manifest than I would like.  Certain things turn out differently than I anticipated, sometimes better and sometimes worse.  Difficulties and disappointments often have served me as blessings, at the time often the blessings are really not clear but overtime sometimes weeks, months or years it becomes crystal clear.  I have had many moments like this in my life so far.  

My wife will tell you, I am chaotic and have no control over my life or anything.  Everyday is chaotic, my mind is chaotic. I am used to feeling that I lack control, that I don't have much say in what is happening or how anything ends.  I have learnt patience through this chaos. I try so hard not to get caught up in draining emotions.  

In life, not everyone has the ability to not have any preconceived notions, not everyone can be patient, not everyone can just let life pass them by.  When I do manage to allow life to happen and take control, the result is often so much better than I could have planned on my own. 

Everyone had goals, needs, plan and even dreams and that helps keep us focused in life.  In my chaos, I cannot be shackled to desires and plans but have a small ability to let go slightly and allow a gentle push from life allowing it to gently sweep me along.  This allows me to move forward in my life, okay, I accept it may turn our shit but I tried.  

In life,  going forward I will work on mastering control and what really matters in my life.