Life Via a Line

The LPGA recently introduced a new dress code that forbids female golfers from sporting plunging necklines, leggings or revealing skirts on the course, it has come into massive criticism for this.  Initial reactions were overwhelmingly negative, with even Teen Vogue having a say.  The progressive and influential youth magazine also said the code sets players and women in general “way back”. From July 17th, the LPGA began its crack down on athletic wear following an email sent on the 2nd July to all LPGA players.  The email came from player president Vicki Goetze-Ackerman, which detailed an extensive list of clothing that will no longer be allowed on course and at pro-am parties on the tour.  A $1,000 fine will be handed to any player for their first offence concerning the new code.  With each subsequent breach the funds will double.  Items in the new code were expressed in the following dot points in Goetze-Ackerman’s email: Racerback...

Every New Year, nearly everyone of us start with a good intention or even a list of intentions.  A single or a list of things that we are going to start or stop doing. The New Year feels fresh, exciting and we all finally decide it's time to stop messing around and the time has come to be the person that we’ve always wanted to be. At some point in the year, the shine wears off and we start to go back to old patterns and behaviours, Unfortunately some of us even write off the entire year if we’ve failed at our new years resolutions by the time we hit February!  Often we decide to try again next year, holding on to the idea that a new year somehow magically makes it possible for us to do better.  This little trick we play on ourselves, it’s a way to opt out of truly engaging in our lives. We’re effectively cheating ourselves and switching off because it’s too hard to keep showing up.  When I was younger, I used to do this nearly every year.  I would...

I am writing this during the commercial breaks of GOT. Today, I have had a very challenging day.  Leading up to today I was overcome with constant worry that virtually consumed me. This evening, I feel exhausted but I also feel comforted and free as a bird because although I believed I was maintaining some level of control with all the worry, I wasn't in control at all; I was simply on a never ending walk carrying a heavy, unnecessary, self-imposed weight on my back.  Today that weight has been lifted.  It has taken a long time to unload my backpack but gradually, I strengthened my trust and today let it go. I strengthened my trust when I started to let go of the tight grip I was trying to maintain over my life and trusting that everything would work out for the best when I stopped trying to control absolutely everything. Gripping something so tightly with my hands for so long was forceful, hard to maintain, and tiring. I chose to have faith that everything was goi...

Brook Koepka, a 27yr old former 3 time All American and Florida State University player lifted the US Open at Erin Hills recently with a score of 16 under, which Is believe equals the record set back in 2011 by Rory McIlroy. Brook was 4 shots ahead of the field at Erin Hills.  Little did people realise that he gave up his European Tour Membership back in 2015.  Brook played a lot in Europe at the start of his career. This is the seventh major in a row in which the winner is actually a first time champion.  Looking back at the era between July 14-August 15, six majors were dominated by Speith, Day and Mcllroy alone.  I am intrigued what this new crop of twenty somethings will go on to achieve.  Koepka, Fleetwood and Matsuyama are all rapidly improving their game and their world ranking and are all readily applying pressure. 

When I say yes to other people it means I am taking time away from myself.  For a long time, up until April this year, I felt drained and worn out.  I was completely exhausted.  I had and still have incredibly restless nights.  I was exhausted due to pain, work, chores, family and from saying yes to people.   I was broken from non stop kindness, loyalty, caring and hardwork. Often, I would lay awake in bed, my wife lying in bed next to me. I would hold my breath and lay motionless, I would listen to her breathing hoping it would settle me to sleep. I always tried so hard not to disturb her or bother her with my restlessness and it's causes. I wanted to feel happy and fulfilled but I felt empty and broken.  Some nights, I felt crushed. Due to being so tired, it always made things feel so much worse. I felt like I never had time to rest, I felt pushed beyond my limits and like I was stuck in this endless loop.  I felt a failure as I could no lo...

Over the last few years, I have learnt a lot about Gene Therapy and Genetic Engineering as part of my everyday work.   Today in this post, I am going to briefly explain what it is and try to break down the ethical issues.  Genes are chemical reactions in cells that make it grow and function and ultimately determine the growth and function of an organism.  An organism inherits some genes from each parent and the parents pass on certain traits to their offspring. Gene therapy and genetic engineering are two closely related technologies that involve altering the genetic material of organisms.   Gene therapy seeks to alter genes to correct genetic defects and thus prevent or cure genetic diseases.  Genetic engineering aims to modify the genes to enhance the capabilities of the organism beyond what is normal. Ethical controversy surrounds use of both of these technologies in plants, nonhuman animals, and humans.  Currently, the biggest ...

I’ve had a dog most of my adult life meaning that my wife and I have had a dog or two, for all of our relationship. I know I am a dog lover. My mini labradoodle Lindo,  brings me so much joy, not only when things are going well, but also when I feel pain and I am suffering.  It is true, they are mans best friend.  Lindo is a faithful companion.  Lindo knows when I want to play and mess around and she knows when I need a cuddle. From mixed breeds to pedigrees,  I’ve loved both my previous dogs Jasper and Maca and I love my little mini doodle.  My wife and I find it comforting to have a dog around. The joy dogs provide is well worth the effort in the early days of training.  The dog love of my life was my little chocolate Labrador Maca.  We lost Maca very suddenly and then Lindo came along, joined our family and helped bring us joy again. As, I watch Lindo during the day she provides me with all many lessons about life it's actual...

Wide awake, laying here again, I wish I could go back to sleep.  I am up and ready for work. Leave at the same time.  Drive up the same road as I do everyday, passing the same people at this time 5 days a week.  I arrive at work. Listen to the same people complaining about the same things.  I get dragged in to it and start to complain about the same things myself. Get home.  Collapse from exhaustion after about half an hour and wonder what the point is. Go to bed knowing I will fall asleep for a few hours then be awake nearly all night. Wake up again and repeat. This has been my routine for as long as I can remember, before I finally couldn’t take anymore. Anyone can be miserable, it isn't saved for everyone called John or Julie or for everyone who drives a Skoda. I couldn’t believe it. How had I ended up like this? I have tried so hard but I have been broken.  What more could I do? What else could I have done? I was broken ...

Yesterday at the hospital, during the flush and lock session for my line, the sister remarked that I looked like I had lost weight. I remarked about the rituximab and constant steroids over the last few years and how you cannot control your weight regardless of what you do.  She then started to talk about other things, but my mind was still stuck on her mentioning my weight.  Fixation. There is so much that is so deeply ingrained within me that even when I am self-assured, it is still so easy for me to get caught off guard sometimes. Recently, with the warmer weather and having to wear vests, I have had to  shopping, I found some I liked, grabbed a few 10s and some 12s for comparison, as they were cheap, I paid for them and left.  The 10s were slightly too snug around the chest for me to feel confident and the 12s gave me the freedom to move and not feel conscious about my chest.  During this I didn't even think of my chest line!  I had a pr...

We are all bombarded day by day and moment by moment with images and subliminal messages of who we should be, what we should be doing, and exactly how we should be doing it.  SCREAM..... Endless promises of happiness, fulfillment and ultimate perfection are all too often shallow and elusive, constantly evading us and leading us time and time again to nothing more than dead ends, empty hopes and a zero bank balance. Nearly everyone has a natural craving for transcendence and supremacy, in head to toe under armour we join the race for self-realization in this fast-paced, “keeping up with the Jones’” society, and along the way we all, possibly even a few times, face plant into our own pitfalls and potholes. I learnt as soon as I arrived for the first promise, that all that existed was a hollow hub, I had been completely fooled taking the bait, but I  kept striving for the next, and then the next, and then the next.  I had entered a game of never ending s...

I am 30 something and I was brought up in an era that has been all about get it, have it, and then throw it away. For a long time, growing up being part of this leaves feeling of emptiness.  I do not have the greatest patience.  I was taught growing up that it was a virtue, but I was never taught why. I always thought that having patience would mean I would miss out on something I longed for.  Growing up, I was a hard in the race of life for fear that I would be forgotten and miss out. Time and time again, I forgot that it is the tortoise who wins the race. I had get up and go, I was an achiever in this materialistic world.  I was actually, unbeknownst to me missing out greatly on life. Patience is not a virtue, it is extremely hard and takes a hell of a lot of practice.  I learnt that patience needs inner strength, you have to be able to face any fears, repeatedly let go of all or any internal expectations and have trust that no matter what t...

This is dedicated to Daniel & Sheryl and anyone who in reading this blog feels touched enough to change.  Having a long term health condition and being registered disabled is hard to come to terms with.  Society often cannot see past the labels regardless of what I contribute to the world.  For me, regardless of what I’m doing, the ordinary will seem extraordinary, and the extraordinary will seem insurmountable to those who look at me for the first time.  I have been told this straight to my face by various people. People perceive me this way because of the blue badge and now my chest line.  It is incredibly easy for me to be completely underestimated without a second thought, my life has been relegated to the scrap heap because of my condition. When you hear the word prejudice, you automatically think of the worst instance of judging another person and then you immediately put yourself into the innocent category. People believe that there is no wa...

Today is the first time I have been to the hairdressers since having the line inserted.  Several people today have told me that I am a brave person, that no way could they allow a line to be inserted regardless of the need for it and they couldn't handle a condition that puts limitations on their life.  This left me a little perplexed. My reply was that I am playing the cards I have been dealt. Anyone who knows me knows my life has completely changed, I live with chronic pain as a side effect to my condition.  Back in 2010,  In a single moment, everything I had ever taken for granted about my health and about me flew right out the window. I have never recovered.  I went through a private intense bitterness and anger that plagued me for months afterwards.  Over the years, I have taken back control in very bizarre ways, I have regained control of inconsequential things in an attempt to prove that I am still here and I matter. I can truthfully say, at tim...

Today, I have met a close friend and over coffee we have discussed the fact that our lives are running parallel.  We will both eventually come out of it, maybe a little scathed but both stronger due to the support of our better halves. I need to find a new path, I know this isn't going to be easy especially as my sense of direction is useless.  I think I am currently paralyzed, I do not now what to do but I have time on my side to work it out.   I think many people have this struggle, often they are on a path that isn't working but for some reason they cannot quit or they want to take a different path but do not know how to begin. I am not overwhelmed because I have time, I will not choose the wrong path because I have time and If I choose something I do not like I will make a U turn and find another path.  I know in my heart what I do not want to do, I just don't know currently what I want to do. Modern life isn't about having something forever, a changin...

It is human nature for us to look at each other and make comparisons, I am sure before long we will be able to put each others names into one of these websites. I like everyone else,  have often compared myself to others and imagined that they have a better life than I do. Regardless of personal achievements it's easy to think that I’m not enough. No matter how much I’ve done and accomplished in my life, I usually catch myself looking at other people´s lives and thinking they´re better off in every sense. I compare myself to people who somehow “seem” to lead a more fun life. It always made me second guess decisions that I had made at pivotal moments in my life.   We sometimes get stuck, thinking about the past, or our “lost opportunities,” as we like to label them, and then we tell ourselves that the past opportunities are better than the present. “If I had done such and such, I would be living my dreams.” Or “I´d be so happy if only I had…” Thi...

When we face any conflict we face an opportunity to learn from pain. It’s like putting your hand on an iron, it will burn, the burn warns that you cannot touch an iron without being hurt.  You pull your hand back reflexively and you don’t touch the iron again because we don’t need to keep repeating that particular pain. Naturally, because we are human, when we are in conflict we try to outsource the blame to anyone or anything, making it impossible to receive a lesson, learn from it and move on. Everyone experiences conflict be this with our colleagues, our boss, our neighbors, our partners etc.  It’s the same story running over and over I have been wronged by someone who does not see my value. They are self-centered and are not considering my point of view We refuse to see anyone elses point of view; maybe because it puts our own sense of self at risk. Who am I if I let go of my passionate perspective and wholly understand the others’ point of view? Wil...

"I think I've made myself very clear. No one's coming forward to stop me. Some of you cared. None of you cared enough. And neither did I. And I'm sorry. So, it's the end of Tape 13. There's nothing more to say." I have just finished the 13 episode drama, 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. One of the best series I have watched this year. It is an adaptation of Jay Asher's 2007 YA novel. The soundtrack has not found its way off my car stereo since.  From the start I was gripped, Hannah Baker is just like someone I knew at school, she just wanted to be liked like everyone kid, she was smart, beautiful and had her whole life ahead of her.  Each of the 13 episodes is based on a character, a reason why she killed herself.  The characters on the tapes obviously want it all to remain secret due to the rape and the bullying.  Clay is the central character in the 13 episode drama gradually understanding and coming to terms with why Hannah chose to kill ...

I came out to my mum aged 16, infact she had already told me weeks before that I was going to tell her something she already knew. The last year of secondary school was fairly tricky for me as of course every female believes you are after them! A huge percentage of gay people scream and shout with pride as they jump out of the closet with confidence but a small percentage live with emotional scars of bullying, be that at school, playing out in the street or later on in their work lives. Many  people I talk to on social media believe they are worthless or disgusting because they have absorbed what people spent time telling them as a teenager.  My late teenage years were the worst time for me, cousins and certain extended family members made my life hell and caused a great deal of upset for my family.  I spent years trying to run from these feelings inside, I pushed all my inner torment into trying to be the best at golf for example believing then that I was pe...

I am a Catholic.  I haven't just decided this, I was baptised, had holy communion at Catholic Primary School, which was run by nuns and confirmed in Secondary School and spent years in Church Youth Club and even  though this was the case, for many years forgiveness was not in my mind, let alone my vocabulary. At home, I was taught to believe that forgiveness was a sign of weakness, and I was certainly not to forgive anyone who hurt me.   Over the years, I  have engaged in revenge  which I thought was the right thing to do at those times. How wrong I was. I have  since learned the power of forgiving both others and myself. Forgiveness is one the best things you can learn to do for yourself. It can free you, eradicate anger over time, and leave you open to receiving wonderful things in life.  In my life, I have been hurt and I have hurt others.  I have done some incredibly stupid things and had some incredibly awful things don...

In my teens and early 20s, I didn't realise it but I was kind of addicted to drama, I often thought I was just responding to life, to what was happening and 99% of the time, I really didn’t think I had a choice!  In the 1960s, the drama triangle was born, at college I done an incredibly long winded project on it.  The drama triangle is pervasive, and can be subtle, that it seems  normal . But believe me it’s far from it and there’s a much saner and easier way to live. My personal favorite has always been the Rescuer.   I think I may even be a Rescuer in my family, being the eldest I feel virtuous, strong, and necessary when other people turn to me for help or depend on me to take care of things.  There is a downside to everything in life and being a Rescuer can lead to chronic stress, as a Rescuer, you constantly monitor how everyone else is doing and are never available to take care of your own needs. It's easy at this stage to slip into Victim Mode, to feel ...

Feelings & Emotions - yuk I really dislike both of these words.  Being emotional and emotionally connected to self are two completely different things. I have too many emotional blind spots—out of the way places I shove all those ugly uncomfotable feelings somewhere deep down in some corner of my soul. I keep moving fast enough to keep them unseen in my rearview mirror (also my favourite Pearl Jam song!). If it is uncomfortable, I do not want anything to do with it. I normally avoid every conversation that might include, “What are you thinking?” or “What are you feeling?”.  I couldn't and cannot normally deal with answering anything like this and normally run a mile. Nothing is worse than someone opening up a conversation with me using one of these, I completely freeze up. In one part of my life, I was in a hurry to get things done, change the world, and make my mark. In the other part I was burying feelings deep down and running a mile from ...