Breaking my current routine...

By -


Wide awake, laying here again, I wish I could go back to sleep. 
I am up and ready for work. Leave at the same time.  Drive up the same road as I do everyday, passing the same people at this time 5 days a week. 
I arrive at work. Listen to the same people complaining about the same things.  I get dragged in to it and start to complain about the same things myself.
Get home.  Collapse from exhaustion after about half an hour and wonder what the point is.
Go to bed knowing I will fall asleep for a few hours then be awake nearly all night.
Wake up again and repeat.
This has been my routine for as long as I can remember, before I finally couldn’t take anymore.


Anyone can be miserable, it isn't saved for everyone called John or Julie or for everyone who drives a Skoda.
I couldn’t believe it. How had I ended up like this? I have tried so hard but I have been broken. 
What more could I do? What else could I have done?
I was broken and needed help, a form of help I had never sought before but this help changed my life.
While the help kicked in, I made the best of things, I was helpless alone with no way out but believe me that was just about to change.

Slowly the help I sought kicked in and I knew I would need to close one door before any others could be opened. 
I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. I just knew I didn’t want what I had.  No magic answer was coming from the sky onto my lap so I had to work with my help.
What happened next, I knew no longer mattered.  I had, had enough.  I was pushed too far.  I couldn't and didn't need to take anymore. 
I actually didn't care, I felt liberated.  Decision making is easy when the decision is made and you are just informed.  I felt a huge sense of relief. I wondered what had taken me so long.
Currently, in moments of emotion and moments of doubt, there was a knowing deep inside me that the decision made was the right thing to do.
My happiness. My sanity. My peace of mind.  For the first time in months, I actually feel happy, for the first time in my life, I was truly putting myself first with my wife's full support.
I have realised going through this that  when you begin to take care of yourself, when you follow what feels good for you and put your own physical and mental health first, the path will begin to open up and support comes from unexpected places.
I truly hope that my worst-case scenario turns out to be the best thing I could have ever hoped for.
What I’ve learned is that having a plan is overrated. Sometimes all I have really needed to do is let go and see what happens next.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My tunnelled line

By -
Image
My central line was inserted on the 16th June at Kings, central lines can also be called a skin-tunnelled central venous catheter or Hickman or even a Groshong Line. The lines are long, hollow tubes made from silicone rubber. My neck was checked several times for a suitable vein using ultrasound technology, this areas was then cleaned thoroughly with antiseptic solution.  They used a local anaesthetic to numb the area and then made a small cut in my skin near my collarbone on my right side, this is the Insertion Site.  This site was secured by stitches. The tip of the line was then gently threaded into the large vein above my heart. The other end of the line was then tunnelled under the skin and an exit area was made in my chest and secured via stitches, I was then x-rayed to ensure the line was in the correct position.  The lines (I have 2) are sealed with a bung and the lines have been heplocked to avoid clotting and are clamped during non use. This exit are...
Read more

Feeling Regrounded

By -
This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...
Read more

Life

By -
I have not posted for a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October 2019 till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.   2020 -  I was poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister to Bath, had a lovely break in Yorkshire with my wife and our dogs.  I set out to read around 30 books and read close to 100. I spent a lot of time thinking.   In early 2020, I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.   I now have a beautiful little niece and I am looking forward to what 2021 brings, it's March 30th and the sun is shining and I am sat with India in the garden.  So, after spending a year in shielding and ...
Read more