Rear View Mirror

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Feelings & Emotions - yuk I really dislike both of these words. 
Being emotional and emotionally connected to self are two completely different things.
I have too many emotional blind spots—out of the way places I shove all those ugly uncomfotable feelings somewhere deep down in some corner of my soul. I keep moving fast enough to keep them unseen in my rearview mirror (also my favourite Pearl Jam song!).




If it is uncomfortable, I do not want anything to do with it.
I normally avoid every conversation that might include, “What are you thinking?” or “What are you feeling?”.  I couldn't and cannot normally deal with answering anything like this and normally run a mile. Nothing is worse than someone opening up a conversation with me using one of these, I completely freeze up.
In one part of my life, I was in a hurry to get things done, change the world, and make my mark. In the other part I was burying feelings deep down and running a mile from anything I could.
Life was fine and manageable, until it wasn’t anymore. Up until around the the age of 33, I managed to avoid real emotional connectedness with myself and the majority of outsiders.
Believe me, I wasn’t locked in a wardrobe as a child, starved or regularly punished in anyway and there is no one to blame but me (which I did a lot).  Blame is useless in bringing about change. Blame puts the focus on the cause; and if it’s outside me, that means I have no control. The cause of my situation or emotional state is always me, I am the problem. How bloody depressing!! 




If I am the bloody problem then I must hold the key to the solution.  By not being in any way emotionally connected, I had an unrealistic view of myself. On the outside I showed this positive, energetic, “I have my crap together” persona. On the inside I was scared of being rejected and felt torn apart by every emotion that was buried deep down inside me by me. 
This conflicting self image of positive versus negative energy made it impossible to really understand and know myself. When emotions got too real or uncomfortable, I put them aside and put on a happy smiling positive face.  She to this, I have never really dealt with these feelings or felt them in anyway.  I had no idea if I could ever get through these feelings. 
Emotional blind spots are emotions that we never feel because we are afraid of where they will take us.  By avoiding them, we then never really get to feel them to their core. Being emotionally connected to self, I can feel emotions completely and I know they won’t kill me.  Emotions are expressions of what I’m authentically feeling.  Avoiding emotions is a form of denial.
As we go through life day by day, we experience many emotions that may feel foreign and uncomfortable. When we’re emotionally connected to ourselves, we can identify the fear underneath them, work through it, and then access a state of love.
Today, I’m connected to myself emotionally, I never thought I would ever  I say this but I am even grateful for my emotions. And like everyone I try and take care of the things I am grateful for.

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