Saying No...

When I say yes to other people it means I am taking time away from myself. 

For a long time, up until April this year, I felt drained and worn out.  I was completely exhausted.  I had and still have incredibly restless nights.  I was exhausted due to pain, work, chores, family and from saying yes to people.   I was broken from non stop kindness, loyalty, caring and hardwork.

Often, I would lay awake in bed, my wife lying in bed next to me. I would hold my breath and lay motionless, I would listen to her breathing hoping it would settle me to sleep.
I always tried so hard not to disturb her or bother her with my restlessness and it's causes.
I wanted to feel happy and fulfilled but I felt empty and broken.  Some nights, I felt crushed. Due to being so tired, it always made things feel so much worse.

I felt like I never had time to rest, I felt pushed beyond my limits and like I was stuck in this endless loop.  I felt a failure as I could no longer cope.
I remember sitting in the lounge in the early hours and knowing this needed to change.  I had, had enough. 

I felt overburdened, resentful, bullied, mentally abused, and irritated. Why did they all take advantage of my good nature? Why did they not see how exhausted I was, how their demands swallowed my life?  How could they do this to me?

I spent several weeks angry and resentful. I was unbalanced and upset and grumpy.  Although I was sleeping as I was off sick. 

Everyone had no idea, they were selfish, mean, and inconsiderate.  At least that’s what I thought.

My GP and Consultant demanded answers and I gave them.
I had kept my suffering a secret. I never told them that I was stressed and exhausted. They didn’t know that it was all too much for me now, that I could no longer cope.

I had been fooling everyone. 

There was no way around this anymore.  I was hurting myself in more ways than I realized.

I knew that I was exhausted and drained of energy and joy.  I examined my predicament and recognized the devastating impact this had all had on my life.  I had lost me.

The true me was buried under an enormous pile of who they wanted me to be.  I felt that everyone was taking from me and nobody was giving back.  Now I needed support, everyone but a few had disappeared.  I felt so vulnerable in everyway.  Health wise, I was at rock bottom, exhausted and drained.

I needed to become the priority.  I needed to start doing things for myself.  I had outside help, they were helping me learn. 
My mind was racing with everything. I beat myself up for not focusing on pressing matters. Guilt sucked all the joy out of my life and left me in an unbearable state of self-punishment, self-loathing, and self-condemnation. It seemed like I had only two options left : be miserable or be unhappy, i was suddenly awake and believe me neither of these choices were acceptable.

I was worth more than this. I hadn't done anything and I was no longer going to allow this to continue.
I explained to people around me including my family that I was stressed and exhausted, I couldn't go on and needed time for myself. Everyone understood.

I am resting and getting support.  My motivation is changing and I know I deserve to be happy, I know all I need is rest and time for myself because I am worth it.