Battling my weight issues

By -
Yesterday at the hospital, during the flush and lock session for my line, the sister remarked that I looked like I had lost weight.
I remarked about the rituximab and constant steroids over the last few years and how you cannot control your weight regardless of what you do.  She then started to talk about other things, but my mind was still stuck on her mentioning my weight.  Fixation.
There is so much that is so deeply ingrained within me that even when I am self-assured, it is still so easy for me to get caught off guard sometimes.



Recently, with the warmer weather and having to wear vests, I have had to  shopping, I found some I liked, grabbed a few 10s and some 12s for comparison, as they were cheap, I paid for them and left.  The 10s were slightly too snug around the chest for me to feel confident and the 12s gave me the freedom to move and not feel conscious about my chest.  During this I didn't even think of my chest line! 
I had a problem mentally as I knew for the last few years I have always been a 10 on top.
I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I didn't measure my self worth with numbers. I have a long term condition and putting on a little weight due to steroids and the rituximab and being less mobile should be all I need to know but still I persecute myself.  
I am extremely challenging at times, no wonder I struggle with self confidence, because all of this always finds a way through.
Yes, I could be slimmer,  I know that. Unfortunately, right now I cannot sort this, that isn't an excuse it's fact, I purely have to concentrate on upcoming plasma and eating properly until after my next Kings review in mid August.  The demons though do not except this.  I strive to ensure that I’m in balance but it is so difficult, I live between deprivation and greed and that's ideal for me currently. 




Just because society dictates, I don’t want to be fixated on a so called ideal and unrealistic image that others have of me, that currently will not allow me time to rest, recover and enjoy life.
I have suffered for vast chunks of my life with bulimia, since a teenager infact when I was outed at school and it was my way of control.  Obsessing over a certain weight range, which led to medical issues in my 20s and a lifelong hatred of Orange Juice. 
I know that the scales cannot tell me how much my contribution to the world, my wife and my family counts.  The scales do not know how much I love my wife, my little Lindo and my family.
I know sometimes that I lack self confidence and I have moments of self doubt but I also know that I have come a long way since my bulimia was at its worst.  I am now a thirty something woman with an empowered mind.
The only person that can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My tunnelled line

By -
Image
My central line was inserted on the 16th June at Kings, central lines can also be called a skin-tunnelled central venous catheter or Hickman or even a Groshong Line. The lines are long, hollow tubes made from silicone rubber. My neck was checked several times for a suitable vein using ultrasound technology, this areas was then cleaned thoroughly with antiseptic solution.  They used a local anaesthetic to numb the area and then made a small cut in my skin near my collarbone on my right side, this is the Insertion Site.  This site was secured by stitches. The tip of the line was then gently threaded into the large vein above my heart. The other end of the line was then tunnelled under the skin and an exit area was made in my chest and secured via stitches, I was then x-rayed to ensure the line was in the correct position.  The lines (I have 2) are sealed with a bung and the lines have been heplocked to avoid clotting and are clamped during non use. This exit are...
Read more

Feeling Regrounded

By -
This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...
Read more

Life

By -
I have not posted for a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October 2019 till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.   2020 -  I was poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister to Bath, had a lovely break in Yorkshire with my wife and our dogs.  I set out to read around 30 books and read close to 100. I spent a lot of time thinking.   In early 2020, I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.   I now have a beautiful little niece and I am looking forward to what 2021 brings, it's March 30th and the sun is shining and I am sat with India in the garden.  So, after spending a year in shielding and ...
Read more