Apparently I am brave.

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Today is the first time I have been to the hairdressers since having the line inserted.  Several people today have told me that I am a brave person, that no way could they allow a line to be inserted regardless of the need for it and they couldn't handle a condition that puts limitations on their life.  This left me a little perplexed.

My reply was that I am playing the cards I have been dealt.

Anyone who knows me knows my life has completely changed, I live with chronic pain as a side effect to my condition.  Back in 2010,  In a single moment, everything I had ever taken for granted about my health and about me flew right out the window.

I have never recovered.  I went through a private intense bitterness and anger that plagued me for months afterwards. 

Over the years, I have taken back control in very bizarre ways, I have regained control of inconsequential things in an attempt to prove that I am still here and I matter.
I can truthfully say, at times, I have been completely and utterly miserable and draged everyone around me down, I have gone through some truly shitty times, one that quickly springs to mind is a few December's ago near Christmas,  I had to attend a different hospital to undergo a physical test attached to machines, I was starved from 8pm the previous evening and underwent the test at 4pm, they couldn't get venous access to start with and had to call a Dr from A&E, I was starving and I had to cycle for half an hour to bring on a crisis in my body for them to take samples. A truly shit time.

I have spent countless months over the last 7 years blaming myself for my condition, blaming my bulimia, blaming my lack of success in my career, finding actually any nonsense to punish myself with.  I have finally realized that constantly punishing myself and those around me will not change the fact that my body has failed, whatever I do or say will not change this.   The only thing I can change is me, in the face of it all.

My condition has affected me negatively, Its affected me more than I have ever admitted or told anyone.  It has taken my golf away from me.
I had learned at an early age that Life is not fair and that life is full of things I will not be able to control and that believe it or not, this is normal.  When my condition finally stopped me playing golf no matter how many times I continued to tell myself all of this it never helped.  I was broken and at rock bottom.

Maybe part of me is still at rock bottom. 

I have learned to not be so proud and have asked for help from the pain clinic, recently I have needed help from my wife more.  Recently I have spoken to my family more about my condition.  All of this has taught me to genuinely respect and empathize with the personal struggles of others.

No matter how hard this gets for me, I have promised myself I will not give up on myself. 

At times the pain is crippling.

At times thinking about golf is heartbreaking.

I have no idea how many times my hands have cradled my head in despair as I have endured chat after chat about my condition.  I also have no idea how many hands I have gripped during procedures I have endured under local anaesthesia, too many to count, too many to even attempt to remember.

The last seven years have been a long, painful journey and I feel like I have only just scratched the surface. 

I’ve learned to be honest with myself. Always. No matter what lies ahead.

I know I am a better person for all that I have endured over the last 7 years and I will always be grateful for this change in me. 







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