The Drama Triangle & Life

In my teens and early 20s, I didn't realise it but I was kind of addicted to drama, I often thought I was just responding to life, to what was happening and 99% of the time, I really didn’t think I had a choice! 

In the 1960s, the drama triangle was born, at college I done an incredibly long winded project on it.  The drama triangle is pervasive, and can be subtle, that it seems normal. But believe me it’s far from it and there’s a much saner and easier way to live.

My personal favorite has always been the Rescuer.   I think I may even be a Rescuer in my family, being the eldest I feel virtuous, strong, and necessary when other people turn to me for help or depend on me to take care of things.  There is a downside to everything in life and being a Rescuer can lead to chronic stress, as a Rescuer, you constantly monitor how everyone else is doing and are never available to take care of your own needs.

It's easy at this stage to slip into Victim Mode, to feel sorry for yourself, then you become angry because nobody notices or appreciates you and you pick a fight so you slip into Persecutor mode. 

Some people love being the victim, they say it feels good for a while, they get a lot of attention without taking any responsibility for their actions and their consequences, because someone else is always to blame, victims will always be helped by Rescuers.  

Being in the drama triangle and living in this cycle is exhausting.  Without realising, all of the roles are actually driven by anxiety and the ways we have learned to control it, or attempt to control it in our lives. 

Drama keeps everyone absorbed, and keeps us enmeshed, in an unhealthy way with others, leaving little room for peace and no room whatsoever for any truly healthy relationships to form.

The drama triangle, when everyone in the family is involved can feel like a game but it isn't and people need to step away from it as soon as possible.  Everyone needs to be aware it isn't a game.  The hallmark of all the roles in the triangle is that your attention is usually directed outwards.

In the drama triangle there are no winners or losers because everyone loses.  The drama triangle is actually all about being involved in other people's lives and their personal business and in order to step out of the triangle you need to remain focused on your own business only.  

If you close your eyes and imagine yourself in a circle,  this represents your business (your true responsibility), you are responsible for being 100 percent honest, both with yourself and with others. This means acknowledging and honoring your own feelings and needs, and allowing others to be responsible for theirs.  It also means taking responsibility for your own actions and their consequences, and letting others do the same. This can often require tough love, both towards yourself and others and can make you a little unpopular. 

Codependence (which is essentially what the drama triangle describes) is a system. It requires multiple players to function, so people will probably be upset when you opt out. In fact, you can count on it.

For me, I feel a very familiar sense of obligation and guilt when those Rescuer urges kick in, they are kicking in alot lately with my younger sister which prompts me to pull back and look more closely at her situation. It took practice for me to hear and trust these feelings, but now they’re second nature.

My life now has a lot less drama.  I do not miss the drama at all. 

Keep your attention focused entirely on what is truly your own concern, and be clear that what belongs to others is their business and none of yours ~Epictetus