Life Via a Line

Climbing into bed at night, I thump my pillow to make the perfect little cave for my head to rest in, I pull the covers up tight under my chin, and I let go of a series of big sighs that indicates my day is finished.   I lay down, reflecting back and count the things on my  to-do  list that I have been able to check off. The more check marks, the better! I always compare my daily accomplishments to those who trudged through the hours with me. “Did I do more or better than....?”  My ability to fall asleep is normally disturbed as I ruminate regretfully over all the things I have said and done that I wish I didn’t.  Often, I stress over  what I never got done.  I lay thinking about things I didn’t do what I had planned.  I have spent many nights, tossing and turning as I reflected back on the  dids  and  did nots  of my waking hours. I spent my days as a check mark addict, a praise dependent, and a competitive compariso...

Today, I was called darling by a young lad who works in a coffee shop that we often visit, who would not stop staring and smiling at me.  He then awkwardly smirked, like usual I could not get away from the till fast enough.  Inside I screamed at the darling part.   People will always have commentary about us, trust me, but while everyone has an opinion, not everyone has a clue.  We must be extremely careful who we  let  give us feedback.  I have made this mistake countless times in the past and let other people's opinions cloud my vision of myself even if I didn't even respect the person giving me that opinion.  The lad in the coffee shop talks to me staring at my chest, a lot of people do this.  Just because they are a person with eyes I allow their remark to dig deep into my psyche.  Deep down, I am incredibly sensitive. One unchecked opinion can cause me to feel ungrounded and unable to think clearly for myself, but ultimately,...

Since becoming 'poorly', I have suffered with Insomnia.  I can go days on a couple of hours sleep a night for whatever reason.  It's 02:18am, I am now wide awake after being asleep for 2.5hrs.   The past 5 days, in utter desperation, I have downloaded an app called 'Calm' from the play store which among many things allows me to listen to a bedtime story which has sent me to sleep once being awake in a similar situation I find myself in now, on 2 occasions in the past 5 nights.   It seems I am not alone.  We are apparently, according to The Independent in a catastrophic sleep-loss epidemic, which is causing a host of potentially fatal diseases.   Sleep deprivation affects “every aspect of our biology” and is widespread in modern society, and yet the problem is not being taken seriously by politicians and employers. I have spoken about a 24/7 society in previous blog posts but electric lights, television, computer screens, longer commutes, th...

I love swimming underwater, always have, the power of holding my breath and relaxing and just gliding along.  Part of my routine with my golf was to exhale fully on the first tee, invisible to everyone, I found it cleared everything else from my mind and kept me in the moment. Obviously, breathing is vital and I, like everyone rely on it.  I rely on it for more than the obvious function of keeping me alive though, Breathing has become my biggest tool and best friend.  It has become a foundation for living with conscious presence and awareness. Breathing consciously has helped me overcome small anxiety's at time and has provided a gateway into peace. When I try to exert control over outside conditions, my mind speeds up, I feel anxious and fearful, and I create false scenarios of failure and destruction.  I will let you in on my secret, My biggest savior to this downward spiral within me has been my breathing.  Breathing in and out of my mouth. Taking in as mu...

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed but is merely converted from one form to another.  The light energy from the sun can be harnessed by plants, which, through photosynthesis, convert it to chemical energy. Plants use this energy to grow fruit, which we eat. We store this energy for when we need to exert ourselves, when we convert it to kinetic energy. The energy never disappears, but is instead just displaced. Pain is in a sense the same as this, creating a parallel to the first law of thermodynamics which I shall call the cycle of pain. Pain can change but it never ever goes away.  The cycle of pain means that it spreads itself out, affecting countless people.  Except, I think it can go away.  Pain differs from energy in important ways.  Pain can be created, added to, and multiplied or increased exponentially. As life continues, everyday more and more people are born and the elderly live longer with every passing day, meaning there are more egos to ...

If you have suffered from low self-esteem, you always try and think of the cause.  The most obvious causes are: a parent who demanded straight As, an abusive spouse, etc. These are common forms of mistreatment that cause some people’s self-esteem to break. For those of you who are reading this who’ve lived fairly easy lives, while surrounded by reasonably supportive people, low self-esteem has no obvious root.  What’s worse is that having an issue we don’t understand can make us feel weak or defective because the problem seemingly has no cause. If you’ve suffered with low self-esteem, even if just occasionally or in certain situations.  Apparently,  there’s a surprising new link that can help us and it has everything to do with effort. Sigmund Freud was right about something and it’s that what happens to us during childhood shapes us.   Growing up when you are praised for being something, you feel a pressure t...

Like many teenagers, growing up I felt like I wasn’t enough. I was very studious and excelled at sports, but was also quite chubby up until the middle of my fourth year which meant I was a bit of a target sometimes.  When I was outed, as I have mentioned in other blogs it made my life at school pretty interesting. It’s so easy to say what words can’t hurt and that it says more about them than it did me, but, what it did mean for a long time was that I felt a lack of acceptance from the rest of the kids in my year group. This hurt and believe me, I don’t for a second think I’m alone with this. No matter who you are there's times growing up when you want nothing more than to be accepted.  Here’s the thing: This need for acceptance, is a natural human tendency. As we grow up, even though we feel incredibly awkward with spots and maybe a brace we try to fit into the world as best we can.  The yearning to be grounded in who we are, often, unfortunately, we fall into the t...

I believe I am individualistic. I think  I always have been, When as a teenager, I often felt the desire to go against the grain, dressing different and shunning boy bands my friends liked. The other day, I underwent a huge surprise, when my GP said I was a People Pleaser.  She went on to say she hopes soon that I stop putting other people and their needs ahead of me and my own.  On the way home in the car, I couldn't help but think about this, it was as if I thought I didn't deserve to be treated as well as other people. I remember once reading something in a magazine about chocolate, someone asked someone else what was their favourite chocolate and they replied Fruit & Nut, they were then asked was their a flavour they disliked and they said Caramel.  They were then asked when they go to th supermarket do they ask themselves whether they deserve Fruit & Nut or do they just accept Caramel, they replied of course not.  Moral of the story being that it i...

The past few months, I have noticed more and more how some people respond in the same destructive way over and over even though they continue to end up with the same bad results? Many of us have unhealthy coping mechanisms when we respond to things like stress, fear, or other emotional states. The majority of the time we are completely unaware of the subconscious processes going on.  A percentage of us reach for a cigarette at times of stress, never realizing that we are setting ourselves up for an addictive pattern that may one day claim our health, and possibly our life. This starts a pattern of behaviour. Addiction or other self destructive behaviours or habits are learned responses to emotional triggers.   Responses can be unlearnt and new ones created helping to build a way forward. The majority of the time responses are not healthy or productive in any way shape or form.  Often we allow forces and outside factors to control our behaviour.  Responses are a r...

I wish I was a recovering indecisive person, but I really know I am not! I stand in a queue, for example, in a cafe and will regularly tell others to go ahead of me with their orders because I cannot make up my mind. Growing up, I am certain I suffered with what one of the nuns in my primary school always called FOMO (fear of missing out). I would often say yes to avoid making a decision even if it was something I actually did not want to do.   One of my common catchphrases was “I’ll try and make it.” Really? You’re going to try? Most people at Secondary School knew that probably meant I would be a no show.  In my head, I would always think to myself why didn't  I just say yes or no? To quote Yoda from Star Wars, “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.” Sometimes I would rush to say “YES!” to every offer that sounded good. “Yes, I’ll be part of Church Youth Club,” “Yes, I’ll help ...

Existence is meant to be fun.  It doesn't go anywhere it just is.  This isn’t how we live our lives. Instead, we all rush through everything, thinking there’s always something better, there’s always some goal we need to achieve.  Life should be effortless, just like my nails growing, my hair growing and the beat of my heart.  Growing up, I wanted to be settled and successful.  I wanted to be happy, I wanted, well needed to be someone.  The main goal was to have everything and make it look effortless. Except it wasn’t effortless, and nothing came easy. I think I had totally somewhere missed the point.   You live life by analogy, a journey with a pilgrimage to get to the end success, whatever that is.   Like me, you maybe work hard every day. You get up just like me and go through the routine just like me, that you know will make you successful. You work harder and longer hours because you know that if you just keep working, success will come. ...

Everyone at some point or other needs a change, often though you can be completely unsure what to do. Often, from experience if you follow your heart you open up several possibilities and several open doors. Fear causes self doubt and those little voices to creep in  "you should probably know that if you do this, you run the risk of losing much of what you’ve known and who you think you are now will look completely different the next time you look in the mirror.” Most of the time, I feel completely in the dark but in the dark nothing can hurt you so therefore you can make no bad choices!  In life when I have made  changes, they have always helped me grow into a better version of myself, but they always always came with a hidden tax. In order to get to where I was headed, I always needed to dig deep and re-discover my strength, my passion, and my drive to keep moving forward no matter what.  I would always face my fears dead on and question their purpose.  Wit...

Looking around everyone has a form of smartphone.  Today, my sister and I watched a couple sat down with their son for Sunday Lunch, they were both on their phones and their son was just left sat staring into space. There is rarely a time when my partner doesn't have her phone with her,  near her or at the very least, in a place she could quickly grab it. I used to be guilty if we took a walk together or with Lindo, I would have mine ready to take a photo or catch the next video of Lindo.   Even when we go to bed, my wife will often read on her phone, both our smartphones infact will be on each bedside table, lying between us like Lindo did as a small puppy, who’d snuggled in for the night and ruined any chance of intimacy. I don't believe that people realise how bad smartphones are for their relationships.  I do not think I even realized it at the time to be honest.  In hindsight, I can see that most of the time, my wife retreated into her phone and I was f...