People Pleaser??

I believe I am individualistic. I think  I always have been, When as a teenager, I often felt the desire to go against the grain, dressing different and shunning boy bands my friends liked.

The other day, I underwent a huge surprise, when my GP said I was a People Pleaser. 

She went on to say she hopes soon that I stop putting other people and their needs ahead of me and my own. 

On the way home in the car, I couldn't help but think about this, it was as if I thought I didn't deserve to be treated as well as other people.

I remember once reading something in a magazine about chocolate, someone asked someone else what was their favourite chocolate and they replied Fruit & Nut, they were then asked was their a flavour they disliked and they said Caramel.  They were then asked when they go to th supermarket do they ask themselves whether they deserve Fruit & Nut or do they just accept Caramel, they replied of course not.  Moral of the story being that it isn't about whether you deserve to have something, it comes down to want. 

This is what the GP was getting at, it was so simple when I thought about it.  Suddenly, I felt like I’d been let in on the secret all the confident, take-no-crap, boundary-setting people in my life have known forever. If they want something, they go for it. They don’t stand around questioning whether or not they deserve to have it.

I sat most of the morning running through hypothetical situations where I could apply this new me and each time I made the mistake of asking the other person to grant my wishes instead of communicating my wants and needs. Every time I laughed out loud at my mistake, it hammered home how I unconsciously present myself to other people.

So while I was being polite and accommodating to everyone, I was actually saying tred all over me.  

Not every situation in life is clear-cut.  There are times to stand you need to definitely stand your ground and times in life that you need to compromise, and the trick is to learn to tell the difference.

Sometimes our wants and needs can directly affect others, or their wants and needs can be in conflict with our own. In this case, it’s important to remember to balance healthy self-assertion with consideration and respect for others.

As I have habitually put others wants and needs ahead of my own, putting me first now means treating myself on the same level, not trampling on everyone!

It was odd that I remember that chocolate story, but at the time I remember it changed my perception on putting myself first. It’s not selfish—it’s self-full. Sometimes I slip back into old habits and wonder if I deserve something, but then I remind myself I wouldn’t accept Caramel if what I wanted was Fruit & Nut.

I try to know my position, what I want and to stick with it. That way when someone comes back at me trying to change my mind, I can simply go back to my position.

I try not to forget what I want or need. I know that it's definitely easier to not be bullied or walked on when I am confident in my position.

When I ask someone to honor my wishes or approve of my position, I now know that I am asking them to make ME happy. But when I am telling them what I want or need, I am making myself happy.

I do not believe for one moment that in life, People necessarily aim to walk on me but i know that if I don’t communicate what I want and expect, there is a better chance it will happen. 

Now, I never question whether or not I deserve things in life. I simply know what I want and go for it.  I have been through too much this year to carry on with the questions. 

No more will I stay in the vicious circle of not setting boundaries and having periods of low self esteem.  

Life is not easy and I know that as humans we can’t always get what we want in life, but we definitely won’t get it if we don’t ask. By focusing on what I want or need in life, rather than questioning whether I am worthy to receive, I will help guide my own success and therefore my self-confidence will follow.