Learning to be a Human Being

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Climbing into bed at night, I thump my pillow to make the perfect little cave for my head to rest in, I pull the covers up tight under my chin, and I let go of a series of big sighs that indicates my day is finished.  

I lay down, reflecting back and count the things on my to-do list that I have been able to check off. The more check marks, the better!

I always compare my daily accomplishments to those who trudged through the hours with me. “Did I do more or better than....?” 

My ability to fall asleep is normally disturbed as I ruminate regretfully over all the things I have said and done that I wish I didn’t.  Often, I stress over what I never got done.  I lay thinking about things I didn’t do what I had planned.  I have spent many nights, tossing and turning as I reflected back on the dids and did nots of my waking hours. I spent my days as a check mark addict, a praise dependent, and a competitive comparison seeker.  I began to be compelled to set one goal after the other; to constantly add “just one more’’ thing to my mile long to-do list. I believed I had to do in order to feel like I was enough. So I did and I did and I did until I could do no more.  I got sick. I was forced to cut back on the doing and face the reality of my situation. Now, I consider myself a pathological doer in recovery!

Most of us measure the quality of our daily experiences and the quality of our lives by what we do. We seldom determine the value of our life experience by how we are or on the beingness of it all.

What if I ignored the urge to check out the check marks on my to-do lists before getting into my PJ’s and brushing my teeth? What if I sat quietly somewhere before bed and reflected on how I had got on that day; how I felt and how others seemed to feel around me rather than on what I accomplished and who I did more than? Would the quality of my day change? I know the quality of my life has changed since I began to measure my day differently. In fact, my life improved almost immediately when I began, at the end of the day, to reflect on the questions that really matter.

Even if have checkmarks beside everything on my to-do list at the end of my twenty-four-hour time block, I know there is still room for improvement in the being department.  Most of us spend too many moments of our day diminishing its quality by getting too wrapped up in doing. Even in my recovery, I find myself slipping from time to time back into unhealthy doing.

I try to be more conscious, before I drift off to sleep, about how I am living my life regardless of the things I get done or do not get done.  I try to reflect, learn and grow daily.  I have a to-be list instead of a to- do list.

Tomorrow I will be:

mindful, aware, peaceful etc etc 

The quality of my life is determined by who I am and not by what I accomplish. I am after all a human being not a human doing.

I am learning to just be.

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