Life's Dance

Existence is meant to be fun.  It doesn't go anywhere it just is.  This isn’t how we live our lives. Instead, we all rush through everything, thinking there’s always something better, there’s always some goal we need to achieve. 

Life should be effortless, just like my nails growing, my hair growing and the beat of my heart. 

Growing up, I wanted to be settled and successful.  I wanted to be happy, I wanted, well needed to be someone. 

The main goal was to have everything and make it look effortless. Except it wasn’t effortless, and nothing came easy. I think I had totally somewhere missed the point.  

You live life by analogy, a journey with a pilgrimage to get to the end success, whatever that is.  

Like me, you maybe work hard every day. You get up just like me and go through the routine just like me, that you know will make you successful. You work harder and longer hours because you know that if you just keep working, success will come.

Underneath, like me, you are exhausted. Life has taken its toll, but like me you’ve made it. You’re successful. 

This existence is what you and I worked for, it’s everything our ego wanted, and we did it. 

Now life can start.

I remember standing looking around at my 3 bed detached beautiful home and my brand new BMW.  I was at the point in my life when I realized that the car and the house just did not feel the way I had imagined they would. These so called symbols of success. My ego needed them, but my heart needed something far more valuable.

The point is, no matter how far I got or how hard I worked,  I knew I would always want to get to that next level. Sure material things bring comfort, but they don’t bring happiness. I knew that I would always be where I was in my heart until I realized that life was not about material possessions.

Life isn't about things and status.  I already had everything I needed but was making myself miserable miserable with wanting.  I wasn't living at all.  

I needed to regroup and focus on the best parts of every day.  I had to believe that everything I do everyday has a purpose and a place in the world.  I was alive and happy.  I had to, like everyone do things that I didn't want to, but we all have to survive. I no longer wanted to work for things that didn't matter like the house and flash cars, when I could be living. 

Everything in life is a choice that we have made.  I needed to stop telling myself that we don’t have a choice, because not having a choice is the biggest lie of them all.

I needed to grow up, I was close to understanding that growing up is all I needed to do.  It takes no effort at all to grow or actually even to die. These things are completely inevitable. We make it difficult because we choose to.

My hair  and nails grew, and my heart beat without effort or understanding. These seemingly simple things understood a lot more about life than I did as a whole person.

All I had to do was be, exist, experience, love, and have gratitude, but I didn’t.

I struggled with this for years, It was far from the picturesque life I was trying to achieve. I chose to continue blindly anyway.

Looking back, I think about my struggle for success, the hours I worked and the weekends I wasted.  My life was passing me by.

Right now I have everything I wanted back then, but it doesn’t feel like you’d think it would feel.  I always thought that when I was at the top, everything would be amazing, but it’s really not. 

This time, it's different, I am happy, we are building a life, making memories, travelling, spending time together and having family days.  I am doing all the things I never gave myself the chance to do.  The list I have drawn up of places to visit and travel too grows all the time and I even sit briefly and wonder how we will get it all done!

I have stopped wanting more, I am content and happy.  I live my life completely in the moment. I cherish my life and the health I have left and the time I have left in this world.

I know now that if it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to so I let it go.

To live my life now, I have to let everything go. There will always be expectations, always things that need to get done.  In the past, I pushed aside living so that I could live up to an expectation that never existed to anyone but me. The expectation was only around because I gave it power.  

I gave up cheating my life away because I do not want to get to retirement and wonder we're my life went. 

Requirements are less hours and less stress, I really don't care about less money. 

I can survive, we can survive if I work fewer hours and we live with less stuff.  More is not better.  Constant striving and never being satisfied is not living.  

Gratitude for my life is just out of reach but I will reach it very soon.