Life Via a Line

Physical pain is challenging.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  Last week, I was at rock bottom with exhaustion and pain and was forced to take 4 days off work.  Time like this, I need to recover.  2 days, I slept for 12.5 hours.   Back in 2010, I never believed I would end up like this from a fever.  Pain normally arises because of an illness or an injury and then disappears over a period of time - days or weeks.  Medications ease the discomfort, some even need a few days rest and then a huge percentage of us are fine and return to normal. In my case, and a percentage of others, it doesn’t work that way. Pain became a permanent fixture and no amount of medication, treatment or form of therapy helps.  For a good few years I fought the pain and searched for the right regime of medication, trying everything.   I am currently depleted, no reserves left to fight with.  I no longer have the energy to fight, no more battles f...

Retirement.... I am 39 and I am looking forward to retirement. I am excited about the opportunities and possibilities that retirement will bring.  I am also slightly scared because how well will I be when I get to the age I want to retire?. How long is a piece of string comes to mind.   I do not have a fear about our future as such and I do not lay here preoccupied with endless worries about money.  What will be will be.  I have stayed on a fairly safe and steady path in life with a pension so hopefully that will produce some sense of security.   Will this be enough?  How long will this money last? Trust me, like everyone, I have no idea. I am in a job role I enjoy, in what is actually a relaxed environment for me.  I had vowed in December 2017 to never get stuck working somewhere that I hate just for money.  In my humble opinion, having worked since 14/15 years old in my first Saturday Job, there's no amount of money that makes s...

I have had difficulty accepting what has happened to my life.  I think my wife and my sister feel the same.   Life throws many difficulties at us.  Difficulties come in different ways.  Simply, it may be something small like loved ones and their habits, quirks, or behavior.  Our natural tendency as human beings is to try to or attempt to change what we don’t like about someone, which often over time leads to resentment. Nonetheless, given the individuals importance and presence in our life, we usually make an effort to accept them as they are. Acceptance is a large task, accepting someone for who they are and not attempting to change them is and can be hard.  I always equated acceptance with surrender and excused bad behavior with being weak. I was taught that as humans we have the power to change people’s ingrained ways.  Years later, I have learnt that true acceptance has nothing to do with surrender, backing down or even cond...

Like most people, I can no longer control aspects of my life, including my condition.  Often, just when you think you have everything sussed and everything under control,  life throws you a curve ball and inconveniently shows me that I was Oh so wrong.. I think around 85% of us want to forsee things before they happen to us, in order to feel safe.   Try as I might, I know I can’t always control life, and sometimes painful things happen that I couldn’t possibly predict or prevent.  Deep down, I know that life happens for me, not to me.   If I could predict the future, then I’d be a lottery winner, but I can’t foresee what’s coming down my road. I can only choose my attitude when I hit roadblocks along my journey, which ultimately shapes my choices. Life happens for you, not to you. This too shall pass. Be with what is. When life does not go to plan, I embrace the change and realize that my life must continue...

In 2010, during my year as Lady Captain at the Golf Club,  I was thirty years old and struggling.  After a virus, I was left with a chronic illness.  My life as I had known it was gone, twice daily gym and a mile swim every morning with daily golf and hitting balls countless times a week... Overnight this gradually went.....  I thought my life had ended, and I spent the next few seconds, hours, days and years an anxious wreck.  I spent hours going back and forth to hospital, private appointments locally searching far and wide for the meaning of life and how to become well again. For anyone that is chronically ill, whether this is physically or emotionally, like me you have probably experienced the same misunderstandings, the same crazy bullshit “well, you look okay to me” comments from clueless uneducated people that increases isolation, sometimes even depression.  For me these clueless comments caused nothing but frustration.  At times,...

Along with photography and rekindling my love of reading, Writing has become a new love of mine.   Writing this blog is actually the first piece of writing I have ever done.   My blog is about self-expression, it was never about people reading it, it was always just about me expressing how I feel without having to look at anyone.   Via my blog, I am showing myself, giving myself, my guards are down.  Everyone who stops by and reads even a single post can judge me and I am fine with that.  In everyday life and in my blog, I cannot control what others think of me or my words or even my experiences.  I am happy to let everyone have their thoughts about me... Their thoughts. My thoughts. My thoughts about their thoughts. I have battled with my own personal thoughts  all my life, I am no longer scared of my thoughts, so why should I be scared of anyone elses?  I can see how my own thoughts were not necessarily true or false, helpful ...

Blame... Blame makes us right and the other individuals wrong.  Sometimes, It feels good to say, “It was their fault,” but in the long run holding on to blame can become damaging. Often, when I feel wronged, upset, and angry,  that  person is the  only  one to blame.  I understand that some things are so egregious and so unforgivable that it seems impossible to not default to blame. It’s human nature, it's instinctual. We are hard wired to blame. Blame makes us focus on someone else, on what they did wrong.  Often blame makes us miss things about ourselves.  Blame can actually teach us a lesson about what we personally need to do differently going forward.  Many situations in life can cause us to issue blame.  During my life, I have encountered toxic relationships.  During these situations I lost who I was, I could no longer recognize myself. I was stripped of many things. I lost my ability to trust myself...