Pain and Life

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Physical pain is challenging.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  Last week, I was at rock bottom with exhaustion and pain and was forced to take 4 days off work.  Time like this, I need to recover.  2 days, I slept for 12.5 hours.  

Back in 2010, I never believed I would end up like this from a fever. 

Pain normally arises because of an illness or an injury and then disappears over a period of time - days or weeks.  Medications ease the discomfort, some even need a few days rest and then a huge percentage of us are fine and return to normal.

In my case, and a percentage of others, it doesn’t work that way.

Pain became a permanent fixture and no amount of medication, treatment or form of therapy helps.  For a good few years I fought the pain and searched for the right regime of medication, trying everything.  

I am currently depleted, no reserves left to fight with.  I no longer have the energy to fight, no more battles for me.  

This is my life, this is how it is.  95% of the time, I ignore the pain and desperately continue on, functioning, working and trying to rest.  

The pain continues... 

Fighting pain is exhausting, it creates stress and tension, which to anyone especially me is not conducive to healing. Fighting causes me to tighten up, my muscles not involved in the party tighten up and contract, this is also not great for me. 

Acquiescing, on the other hand, leads to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness over time. At times over the past two years, the pain has not improved, I have declined especially from the mid trunk down.  I have openly said in previous blog posts that I have found myself in a very dark place.  This weekend, I have discussed this with a friend and I think they understand why and how I got to this place.  

I wish that between utter dispair and the path of denial was a path of middle ground.  I am yet to find this.  

I have done a lot of work on pain that past year or so.  I have even attended seminars and sessions to learn about pain and how to deal with it.  From this, I have changed the way I perceive pain and the way I respond to it.    

My pain is a signal, its a message that tells me that my body is trying to heal.  I see my pain as a voice from within my body that announces that something is wrong, very wrong infact and that my body is trying to put itself right.

Fighting my pain, in hindsight, has actually only seemed to make things worse because then it becomes mental.  I have started to slow down in the past year, I've changed jobs and I rest.  I will often have a couple of hours sleep in the afternoon, this is me listening to my body.  

This blog allows me to open my heart and discuss my pain.  Every emotion wrapped up inside me since I started this blog over a year ago has started to expel.  I have stopped pushing against my pain.  Pain unfortunately is part of my condition so I do not believe that I will become pain free right now or even overnight.  

Chronic pain in my muscles has helped me learn about me.  I have learnt alot over the years, I have learnt a lot over the past year since I had the line inserted.  I know that I am strong, I am resilient and I can now start to draw on this strength inside me at desperate times.  I believe I am kinder to myself now.  I appreciate me, my life and how simple I have made it.   

Living with pain has not only helped me understand what really matters most to me in life, but how much I matter to myself.


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