Life Via a Line

Do you believe in the lone wolf? I used to believe that the lone wolf persona was real. As humans, we all share the desire to connect with each other. Connection is essential for well being.  I have recently met people that feel that they are so flawed that they don't deserve connection. It's as if they believe they are too bad for anyone or anything. Growing up, I struggled with this aswell, I believed that because I had certain problems or issues, I would never be as worthy as other people . I stigmatized myself because of my problems and issues.  It was only in the last decade or so that I stopped this, that I was able to get up and do something about how I used to feel. Firstly, you need to be aware that there is a difference between guilt and shame. When I felt guilty, I felt bad because of my personal actions but I was, for the majority of the time unlikely to do something to correct them.  With shame, I know I am more apt to do nothing but dwell i...

When we come into this world, we know nothing.  We are all products of our parents, our extended families and the societies that raised us and help shape our belief system with things labeled good or bad, right or wrong, normal or abnormal. My relationship is nearly 20yrs strong now, we have been married 2yra tomorrow.  Our relationship started as a beautiful, genuine friendship.  Walks, dinners, drinks, nightclubs and we had developed a connection.   My wish as a teenage knowing I was gay was just to feel love.  To be loved, to feel supported, to feel cherished and appreciated.  I wanted a partner, a lover, a best friend and soul-mate, inside I didn't need someone to complete me because I already felt complete.  I wanted an equal, someone who would help and support me to grow.  I wanted to share experiences and spend precious time with someone.  I wanted someone to build my future with.   I became poorly in my captain...

The moment I said, I do was the most wonderful moment of my whole life.  It happened, I married my best friend.  On the 14th May, we have been married two years, although in total we have been together nearly 20yrs now.   In our marriage we ensure that we make time for each other, we try and have a family day on a Sunday and we also make time for external family.   Life can be busy. Sometimes very busy, Okay, so life is busy, but we know that it will pass us by if we let it.  We believe as a couple that sometimes it’s worth taking five minutes to stop and talk to someone how may not talk to anyone else all day.   As an individual, I believe that making time for others feels very satisfying.  I have been lucky enough to meet some incredible people the last few years, on social media and in real everyday life,  that have affected and influenced me greatly.  A couple have even changed my life for the better. ...

In my life, so many times I have felt okay, felt safe, I was seen, I was heard and I felt understood, to the point that I could finally let go and breathe.   This has 90% of the time worked for me, left me feeling lighter and freer than I felt before. Any sadness, heaviness and darkness within me melted away.  I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I love you. Every time I say these words, I mean each and every one with every part of me. Extending my capacity for love and compassion towards myself and those who have hurt me also expands my capacity for love and compassion toward everyone and everything.  I do honestly believe that if everyone were to proactively expand their capacity for love and compassion, the world would not only be a better place, but it would be damn near perfect.  Over the years, I have found uses for this in grief, sadness, feeling down, feeling poorly and feeling let down.  I have even found it helpful in dealing with guilt....

I’ve been an impatient person for much of my life. I wanted things to happen to me! I had a definite agenda.   I really didn’t know much about waiting. I thought it was something you did if you didn’t have courage or conviction. It was just an excuse not to take action. I know better now. At 39, I have learnt that waiting is the most powerful tool I have in my armoury.   My ego used to be very uncomfortable with waiting, like everyone else, I was part of this ego-driven society.   My mind hates uncertainty and would rather make a mistake than simply live in a state of not knowing while the right course unfolds. There’s a term I love that describes this place of uncertainty: liminal. A liminal space is at the border or threshold between possibilities. It’s a place of pure potential: I could go in any direction from here. There are no bright lights and obvious signs saying “Walk this way.”  Liminal spaces can be deeply uncomfortable, and like m...

This week I have had an emergency appointment at Kings to discuss my leg scans and start the Mycophenolate and on Thursday evening my line on the arterial side was blocked, Kim could not flush it or even withdraw any blood from it and we had every fraught conversation at gone 8.30pm to our local renal unit to get some help, followed by a very sleepless night, followed by a very long day today in hospital unblocking the arterial side of my chest line.  I have accepted I am not well and my life is controlled by medication, my chest line and upcoming appointments for treatment. Last weekend I decided it was finally time to sell my golf clubs.  I cried and felt my heartbreak.   I believe that letting go of my past will finally give me the freedom I need.  This freedom will bring me happiness.  In my heart, I know that clinging to my past and my golf is not helping me at all, it is stopping me moving forward and stopping me being free.   I am t...

Some people often behave in ways that I find irritating, annoying, or worse, they can speak with little consideration for the impact of their words, they often criticize me and pounce on my mistakes.  Sometimes people can do things that seriously disadvantage or damage me, I am not a fan of being let down when I am counting on someone. This week, I have experienced some alarming behaviour from a senior colleague at work and it deeply upset me.   Other people's behavior can lead to me feeling wounded, sometimes the scars from this can persist for years, sometimes even decades.  It seems the closer the offenders are to me, the greater the impact tends to be. I wish others understood me, acted like I do, were approachable like me.  I wish others were kind in dealing with my mistakes.  I wish others realised that I am not just the sum total of my mistakes.  I, like all of us, deserve a chance to recover and show my better side.  I would l...