Letting go of impatience

I’ve been an impatient person for much of my life. I wanted things to happen to me! I had a definite agenda.  

I really didn’t know much about waiting. I thought it was something you did if you didn’t have courage or conviction. It was just an excuse not to take action. I know better now.

At 39, I have learnt that waiting is the most powerful tool I have in my armoury.  

My ego used to be very uncomfortable with waiting, like everyone else, I was part of this ego-driven society.  

My mind hates uncertainty and would rather make a mistake than simply live in a state of not knowing while the right course unfolds. There’s a term I love that describes this place of uncertainty: liminal.

A liminal space is at the border or threshold between possibilities. It’s a place of pure potential: I could go in any direction from here. There are no bright lights and obvious signs saying “Walk this way.”  Liminal spaces can be deeply uncomfortable, and like most people, I tend to rush through it as quickly as possible.

Slowing down makes the landscape gradually become clearer.  My ego wants a brightly lit super-highway to my future, but my real life is more like a maze, I take one or two steps in a certain direction, and then face another turning point. Making my way forward requires an entirely different set of skills, and waiting is one of the most important of these.  

As an overthinker, I take my thinking too far and go far beyond the point of usefulness.  I go over and over all my options, trying to predict the future based solely on my hopes and fears.

Believe it or not, I am good at talking but totally useless at asking others about what I should do.  

I try and think about what I should do, based on various external measures: common sense, morality, religion, family values and finances.  Then, I personally try and tally this all up and just take my best foot forward.  

Fear holds me back from doing certain things and there is a difference between my fear and my misgivings.  My misgivings warn me that a decision looks good on the surface but it's too right for me.  I use my gut instinct for decisions like this.  

I never ever talk myself into something because I would much rather wait, it's the only time I am not impatient because I know I will make a bad decision.  

I often try and ignore the voice in my head that says I need to make a decision instantly. 

I do not at 39, want to rush through my life. 

Sometimes, I want to linger in the liminal spaces and see what becomes clear as I sit with uncertainty.

I am learning to trust my gut more than my head, I am trying to have faith that the right course will unfold at the perfect time for me and then, when the time comes, I will then just be able to do it, as simply and naturally as life itself.