Making up my own path in life

When we come into this world, we know nothing. 

We are all products of our parents, our extended families and the societies that raised us and help shape our belief system with things labeled good or bad, right or wrong, normal or abnormal.

My relationship is nearly 20yrs strong now, we have been married 2yra tomorrow.  Our relationship started as a beautiful, genuine friendship.  Walks, dinners, drinks, nightclubs and we had developed a connection.  

My wish as a teenage knowing I was gay was just to feel love.  To be loved, to feel supported, to feel cherished and appreciated.  I wanted a partner, a lover, a best friend and soul-mate, inside I didn't need someone to complete me because I already felt complete.  I wanted an equal, someone who would help and support me to grow.  I wanted to share experiences and spend precious time with someone.  I wanted someone to build my future with.  

I became poorly in my captains year in 2010, I was 30yrs old and we had been together 10yrs. We had some issues that we had worked through and when I was laid in Kings, it was my partner who came every other day on the train to ensure I was not alone.  It was my partner who had long tricky conversations with the consultants. 

Getting married when it became legal was very important to us for various reasons, I wanted my wife to have a say in my medical treatment and to have a voice when its needed as she knows my wishes for when that time comes.  I also wanted someone to have rights legally and to have my pension.  I also wanted to be married.  I proposed to my wife in a very personal way that only we share and we shared it on Instagram.  

We will not have children, motherhood is not for everyone and every woman I believe has a right to make her own choice regarding this.  Having children is a difficult job and needs to be a conscious decision, it's not an obligation or a tick box exercise.  Children are meant to come to life for themselves, not to fill a void or make us feel whole and complete. Happiness is a personal responsibility, with or without children.  

I believe, I would have been an ok mother, not a great mother as I worry and panic and cannot cook to save my life.  I do not wish to have children due to my condition.  My partner also has mental health issues that I have spoken about in a blog post before, so together we have made this decision.  

I believe we are amazing aunts, especially my wife to Elliott, my sister's son.  We have friends who have children that we adore.  I know that we can give, nurture and be of service to friends and to my little nephews.  

So many people live their life by ticking boxes or following 'rules: imposed on them by others or by society, trying to fulfill other peoples’ requirements and expectations. I find this utterly heartbreaking. Some do not go for their dreams because they feel afraid or guilty. They wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone, especially their dear ones.

In reality we cannot actually disappoint anyone. People disappoint themselves with these expectations they set.  People with no agenda in life cannot be disappointed, they accept and love others unconditionally.  I am such a person.  

No matter our gender, race, age, sexuality, religion or social status, we all have a basic human need to feel, to be seen, to be heard, to be liked, to be appreciated, and to be loved. Most of us feel the need to belong to particular groups or communities of like-minded people that help us then to feel socially accepted.

I believe, problems only occur when we are not able to satisfy some of our human desires by ourselves, and therefore we end up using others as a source of happiness, an instrument for validation or a means to avoid ourselves.

I've been there myself,. I can recall many situations when I did things I didn’t really want to do to please others.  I have discussed people pleasing in previous blog posts.  

Being loved is a basic human need. However, being needy for love is something different. When we have a harmonic relationship with ourselves, we don’t need to spend time with others to fill a void in ourselves, but rather to feel a sense of connection and belonging.  We don’t need to make choices just to get approval because we are able to do what’s right for us, and accept that others may or may not approve, and that’s okay.

I know that at 39, I am the sum of the choices I make. 

I do whatever feels right for me.

I do not owe anyone any explanations for the way I choose to live my life. 

My time is my life, and it's never coming back, I do not get a second chance.

I am trying very hard to spend my life with people who bring out the best in me, people who support me and accept me just the way I am.

Relationships in which I need to pretend are toxic. If I don’t feel at ease with people now, I will not change myself;  I change the people I surround myself with.

My needs matter.  

My life is about me and what makes me happy and I deserve this happiness and to have this I just need to be me.