The Lone Wolf

Do you believe in the lone wolf? I used to believe that the lone wolf persona was real.

As humans, we all share the desire to connect with each other. Connection is essential for well being. 

I have recently met people that feel that they are so flawed that they don't deserve connection. It's as if they believe they are too bad for anyone or anything.

Growing up, I struggled with this aswell, I believed that because I had certain problems or issues, I would never be as worthy as other people.

I stigmatized myself because of my problems and issues.  It was only in the last decade or so that I stopped this, that I was able to get up and do something about how I used to feel.

Firstly, you need to be aware that there is a difference between guilt and shame. When I felt guilty, I felt bad because of my personal actions but I was, for the majority of the time unlikely to do something to correct them.  With shame, I know I am more apt to do nothing but dwell in my own, often pathetic self-pity and personal pathway of self-destruction.

So, in stigmatizing myself because of my so called problems or for being gay,  it's shame and not guilt.

I remember one of the first times I started to adopt the mentality of owning myself and everything about me. 

I stopped the cycles of beating myself up. Feelings of shame that started to develop also started to disappear slowly.  As my self confidence grew, I also started to not hate myself as much.  My self torture inside started to stop.  It helped me take control of most situations that had previously made me feel ashamed or not enough purely because I felt like I lacked something or something was wrong with me.

That feeling, that something is wrong because I have X or Y is worse than the actual issues (the X and the Y).

Whether it’s depression, anxiety, failure, rejection, financial problems, family problems, or any kind of such (usually personal) issues, the concept is the same.

It's hard, believe me but please do not stigmatize yourself because of your problems.

Just don't.

It's destructive.

And, from the deepest point in my heart, I know you don't deserve to feel stigmatized.

Because no one does.

Instead, like me, try and recognize that it’s not shameful to struggle, and it is possible to improve if you’re willing to accept responsibility for learning and growing.

The younger me, the Odette who was very afraid, very insecure, very socially awkward (I still am to some extent) realized that there was hope but didn't know how to grasp it.  The me now, knows because I have grasped onto my self-responsibility for solving my own problems and issues means I am owning it and taking myself to task.

I wouldn’t have held myself responsible for anything, believe me, if I had not stigmatized myself.

I have found that it is far easier to make progress and move forward from some of your teenage demons once I had learnt to accept that having problems doesn't necessarily mean I was dreadful or even a bad person or that my situation was utterly helpless.

It all sounds easy in theory but it has taken a large amount of self-awareness, self-care, and self-love none of which has been a bloody walk in the park. 

I feel I have changed, whether that's  down to my condition and the person I am now, I am unsure.

The mountains of emotional and psychological problems that were beating the hell out of me don't seem like Everest anymore.