Naughty behaviour...

Some people often behave in ways that I find irritating, annoying, or worse, they can speak with little consideration for the impact of their words, they often criticize me and pounce on my mistakes. 

Sometimes people can do things that seriously disadvantage or damage me, I am not a fan of being let down when I am counting on someone.

This week, I have experienced some alarming behaviour from a senior colleague at work and it deeply upset me.  

Other people's behavior can lead to me feeling wounded, sometimes the scars from this can persist for years, sometimes even decades. 

It seems the closer the offenders are to me, the greater the impact tends to be.

I wish others understood me, acted like I do, were approachable like me.  I wish others were kind in dealing with my mistakes.  I wish others realised that I am not just the sum total of my mistakes. 

I, like all of us, deserve a chance to recover and show my better side.  I would like others to be more understanding and put a more favorable interpretation on what I did or failed to do.

When someone else behaves badly, unfortunately, I spend a lot of time going over and over in my head how I was wronged, mistreated, disappointed, disrespected or disregarded.  The sad part of this is, I know  deep down that dwelling on the perceived wrong kindles the fire of a grudge deep down inside me and the more I dwell on it, the bigger this fire grows in my belly. 

Grudges are bad news for all manner of reasons,  the parts of my brain that specialize in criticism grow more active, they feed on my thoughts about the grudge, the neurons involved lay down more connections, strengthening this response.  Holding grudges also means that when someone else is naughty to me, my brain more readily jumps to criticism and judgement. 

My downfall being that the area of my brain that criticizes these naughty people also criticizes me.  I am less forgiving of my own mistakes and that's why I am so flipping hard on myself.  Self-acceptance recedes. 

I have to work on forgiveness, work on strengthening my resolve to do what is good and important.  I need to work on this gift of forgiveness towards others aswell because all of us are vulnerable to errors or even bad behaviour. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation with someone naughty though.  Reconciliation is the re-establishment of mutual trust.  This forgiveness needs to start with me because the more I strengthen the self-reassuring parts of my brain (the same parts that show empathy and compassion to others) it means the more accepting of myself I can become even with all my flaws and stumbles.

Flaws and stumbles are part of being human. 

I am working on not holding grudges because apparently I will have a better quality of life.  I am also working on being gentle with myself, that requires time and patience.