Life

By -

I have not posted for a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October 2019 till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.  

2020 -  I was poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister to Bath, had a lovely break in Yorkshire with my wife and our dogs.  I set out to read around 30 books and read close to 100. I spent a lot of time thinking.  

In early 2020, I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.  

I now have a beautiful little niece and I am looking forward to what 2021 brings, it's March 30th and the sun is shining and I am sat with India in the garden. 

So, after spending a year in shielding and a year working from home, I have thought a lot about life.  Life does not have to be stretched endlessly to have impact and meaning. 

I believe we can all cram each and every moment with as much passion and as much love as possible. It does not require the average life span to feel accomplished.

Life brings happiness and splendidness but I think we are all guilty of wrapping ourselves into the longevity of life, when, in fact, I believe we are looking at it all wrong.

Life to me is not about the years. Life is not about the collections one has amassed, what is the point of all these golf magazine's I have kept? What is the point of my signed Tiger Woods magazine? Life is about relationships you forge, nurture, love, and cherish while you are here.

To assume that your life, or those you love, will last to the normal life expectancy - I believe means that you are missing out on the joys of every moment.

As I have touched on in past blogs, I have lost people from the golf club that meant the world to me but their loss helped recreate a version of me that was better. 

From a young age we are taught that peace and happiness comes from living life to the full.  You never learn about the times that suck. I am trying to live in the moment, I really have to just try, whether the moment sucks or not. y

Many of us run from pain, especially when we lose someone we love. I run from pain all the time which is why I have become a boiling pot! Many of us are able to drown out the sound and the fury of these feelings by any which way possible - numbing them in a variety of ways - drink or drugs or both. 

My refusal to deal with things like pain and continue to bury them means it just makes the feelings grow deeper.  

I, like many, find learning to embrace the awful moments from my life just too hard — all the sad moments, all those inevitable times.  I am getting better depending on the situation and I am trying to tell myself that they, like everything, are not permanent.

Sweeping my feelings under the carpet has made my current life incredibly hard.  When the pot boils over who is around for me? 

Lately, I have struggled emotionally and with anger but I am human and despite my battles I bleed and crap like the rest of you.  

I am trying to embrace the moments for what they are and make the best of it. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My tunnelled line

By -
Image
My central line was inserted on the 16th June at Kings, central lines can also be called a skin-tunnelled central venous catheter or Hickman or even a Groshong Line. The lines are long, hollow tubes made from silicone rubber. My neck was checked several times for a suitable vein using ultrasound technology, this areas was then cleaned thoroughly with antiseptic solution.  They used a local anaesthetic to numb the area and then made a small cut in my skin near my collarbone on my right side, this is the Insertion Site.  This site was secured by stitches. The tip of the line was then gently threaded into the large vein above my heart. The other end of the line was then tunnelled under the skin and an exit area was made in my chest and secured via stitches, I was then x-rayed to ensure the line was in the correct position.  The lines (I have 2) are sealed with a bung and the lines have been heplocked to avoid clotting and are clamped during non use. This exit are...
Read more

Feeling Regrounded

By -
This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...
Read more