2020...

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I have not posted in a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.  

2020 -  I have been poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister and have read around 30 books. I have spent a lot of time thinking.  

This morning I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.  

The last few months I have thought a lot about life.  Life does not have to be stretched endlessly to have impact and meaning. 

I believe we can all cram each and every moment with as much passion and as much love as possible. It does not require the average life span to feel accomplished.

Life brings happiness and splendidness but I think we are all guilty of wrapping ourselves into the longevity of life, when, in fact, I believe we are looking at it all wrong.

Life to me is not about the years. Life is not about the collections one has amassed, what is the point of all these golf magazine I have kept? Life is about relationships you forge, nurture, love, and cherish while you are here.

To assume that your life, or those you love, will last to the normal life expectancy - I believe means that you are missing out on the joys of every moment.

As I have touched on in past blogs, I have lost people from the golf club that meant the world to me but their loss helped recreate a version of me that was better. 

From a young age we are taught that peace and happiness comes from living life to the full.  You never learn about the times that suck. I am trying to live in the moment, I really have to just try, whether the moment sucks or not. y

Many of us run from pain, especially when we lose someone we love. I run from pain all the time which is why I have become a boiling pot! Many of us are able to drown out the sound and the fury of these feelings by any which way possible - numbing them in a variety of ways - drink or drugs or both. 

My refusal to deal with things like pain and continue to bury them means it just makes the feelings grow deeper.  

I, like many, find learning to embrace the awful moments from my life just too hard — all the sad moments, all those inevitable times.  I am getting better depending on the situation and I am trying to tell myself that they, like everything, are not permanent.

Sweeping my feelings under the carpet has made my current life incredibly hard.  When the pot boils over who is around for me? 

Lately, I have struggled emotionally and with anger but I am human and despite my battles I bleed and crap like the rest of you.  

I am trying to embrace the moments for what they are and make the best of it. 


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