Life since June 2019...

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I have not posted since June.  I have been busy with this and that - treatment, emergency appointments in London and getting a new rescue puppy.  I even found time to go to Ireland. 

Slow Down

Calm Down

Stop Worrying

I hear these sentences so often.  The only difference now is the sentences are not linked to work.  When I am not at work, I am focused on achieving this, that and the other.  I worry continually if my wife is ok, if Lindo is ok, if little India is ok.    

Even though I get alot done, a huge percentage of my time is taken up by hospital, doctors and treatment. I leave work at a reasonable hour now, I have done my years of endless hours. I have family time now with my wife, Lindo and India, I never had this before. 

I have time to wander, to read and achieve. I have time to listen, to watch and appreciate.  

Life is more meaningful, I have time to unwind and to have fun. 

I am learning to focus on what's important to me, for so long I took everything for granted, time, money, health and my wife.  Time is always there for us, until it's not... My time is more meaningful now.  

One of the greatest ironies of being human is that we’re often hardest on ourselves right when we should be most proud.

I have pushed through years of built-up fears, overcome massive internal resistance, and I managed to take a leap despite feeling like I was jumping through a ring of fire, above a pit filled with snakes and spiders.  

Since returning from Ireland, I have been in a vulnerable state of mind. Certain situations can sometimes when we least expect it dredge up all our deepest insecurities.  The situations in Ireland triggered feelings that I didn't know existed, I came back and was suddenly face to face with the most fragile and most vulnerable parts of myself.  

I tried so hard, felt a mixture of emotions that I could not sort out.  I felt weak, like I couldn't do anything, I felt down because I should of knows all these things years ago then I would of had a plan and a honed vision.  Facing someone else's pain from the past and knowing that you cannot do anything about it is just heartbreaking.  

The pain was not visible for anyone to see around me, I felt intense, drained and emotional.  I felt utterly consumed by it.  Emotionally exhausted and alone.  

It reminded me of some aspects of my childhood - as if nothing I did was good enough and that I would never be good enough because right now at 40 I am far from perfect.  

I did what I always have done, I threw myself back into my job.  Internally cracking my whip, consistently reinforcing to myself that I was weak.... All I needed to do was actually acknowledge how strong I was.  I never do that though, I continue treading water, screaming at myself instead of letting myself climb out of the water. 

So instead of simply supporting myself through this, I did what I always do, I berated myself.  In my head, I have a vision of how this all should work, and when, and I blame myself if I can’t meet it.

I am learning that things take time and this is not a reflection of my worth or my effort.  External factors will always come along, I cannot control these factors.  All this fecking drama in my head is not useful.  I cannot undo what has happened.  I wish I could.  It's not my story because if it was, it would of had a different ending.   

At 40, I know the only way to do anything effectively is to accept where I am and to let go of the outcome, and throw myself into the process.

I am doing better than I beat myself up for.  I deserve more credit than I would ever give myself.  I deserve credit for just showing up.  

I deserve recognition for the many internal hurdles I have overcome, even though they’re not visibly apparent to anyone else, because these internal hurdles are harder to tackle than even the most challenging external obstacles.

Am I living my best life?? Truthfully, I believe that living my best life means embracing what is, while working on what can be.  Living my best life means I am doing the best I can with what I have.  

I really do not want to spend the next 20yrs of my life missing most of it because I always felt it needed to be more and that I needed to be more to fully appreciate and enjoy what I had while I had it.

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