Just me

I believe that the world today is driven purely by ego. 

We are in a 24/7 society that unfortunately seems to be in a constant state of comparison.  We compare ourselves to others, judge our performances or we are judged (usually harshly), we define our worth by our bank balance and look at success based on our career achievements, and  we are actually our own worst critics as we criticize ourselves for failure.

I personally have underachieved by today's standards based of the fact that I left my pharmacy degree.  In my head, I had no choice, I showed signs of poor health that I could no longer hide, mentally I was top of my game - I was a year rep chosen by my peers, 100% attendance and straights A's but I was done. Since then I have worked incredibly hard and I don't punish myself because what is the point? This happened for a reason, I want to believe it is fate, it obviously was not meant to be.  

I had to move forward, I was temporarily lost as my life was mapped out for me and now I was at a dead end and the wall was high.  I did what I knew, I returned to being a dispenser, I had done this since I was 14 and other than my golf it was all I knew. 

I moved forward and had a fantastic spell at Boots The Chemist under a few managers who taught me so much, I met some great people who are still in my life, my position with Boots helped me grow in so many ways and I thank the woman who took the chance on me (she is no longer with boots and has moved into a fantastic role now in another field but if you are reading this, You know who you are and I mean it, thank you).  Circumstances changed and this enabled me to move into the NHS with the Stop Smoking Service where I set up an Acute service within a local hospital within Cardiology, Respiratory and Maternity, after a few years of embedding the service and seeing it succeed,  I then moved onto another NHS role, this time in Medicines Management,  this again was a position that I never dreamt I would ever get but I ended up having many happy years in the role and worked hard at helping my practices save lots of money before finally admitting I need to be Part Time and focus on my health so I have moved into a new role within Primary Care in a fantastic position that suits me, the team are fantatsic and the banter never ending.  

Other aspects of today's world are incredibly frightening, life is fast paced and I see many chronically stressed people whether this is due to financial pressures or personal issues. 

I believe that because life is so fast passed basic everyday manners have gone out the window, when was the last time someone held a door for you or said please or thank you, when was the last time a stranger smiled at you?

Loneliness is increasing, people are overwhelmed and become disconnected.  It is very easy to feel lonely in today's society,  to feel out of touch with others, disconnected from the world. 

This drive that some have is ineffective, the chase for sucess and happiness leads us to just wanting more and more, for some it's never ever enough, some are never satisfied.  

I don't believe that happiness is something that is obtained externally but I am in a minority it looks like.  To me hapiness is feeling loved and having a sense of belonging.  It is not money, cars and holidays.  Regular readers of my litrle blog will know I struggled as teen and well into my early 20s with many things, I was shy, sensitive, insecure, felt often very misunderstood and alone.  Living in my head was safe so I put up various walls around myself to let absolutely nobody in. 

I like many people I have spoken to over the years compensated for the pain, the struggles with everything and the emptiness with external validation, which I have done many pieces about.  I learnt the hard way, you can only run so fast for so long. 

I have, like many, achieved external success and I take great pride from my golf for example,  I achieved what a very small percentage achieve, this was all through hard work.  

I have touched also on the fact that I am learning about myself, still, everyday.   Undoing years of self doubt and fear.  I've spent a lot of time focusing on the impermenance of life which has helped, this had helped cut the ties on past worries and allowed me to be more authentic. 

I'm not damaged, I am human.  

My 40 year old self knows we all suffer, we all struggle so I am not alone.  

Getting older has allowed me to take a new perspective on my younger self.  

I said from the start it never worried me if nobody read my blog, it's just me chatting away to myself really, releasing it all and getting it out of my packed head.  

I will be keep on releasing it bit by bit until I run out of things to say.