Life Via a Line

Anger, hate, regret, envy, disappointment, jealousy... All of these emotions can become toxic that if allowed will eat us up. Not one of these emotions are really useful, or get us very far, yet as humans we seem to cling onto them, as if they are fuel for our body.   Regret, is an emotion I have done my best to distance myself from. I’m human and I make mistakes, mistakes that I personally hope I will not repeat. I’ve hurt people close to me that I never want to hurt again with foolish acts or careless words at times, but beating myself up again and again for those mistakes is futile. It’s a waste of my precious life.   Maybe my outlook and approach to my life is all part of the aging and maturing process. I did think that maybe it’s because I’ve gained a rounder perspective of who I am and how lucky I am to actually be alive.  I am learning as each  day passes to attempt to let go of toxic emotions.  I am attempting to see these toxic emotions for...

Early Friday evening, another working week completed and sat listening to the interview of Ruth Jones by John Bishop. This week a lot has gone on and I have made some decisions and thought a great deal.  I have been thinking to myself, in life when can you call time and say your complete? I always wanted to be the complete me, a package, the real deal.  During my teenage years, being complete meant getting good grades, wearing the right labels and being liked. Later it became money, relationships, and status. I wanted to be successful, so I did what I was supposed to. I attempted to follow the rules, check the tick boxes, and I really  applied  myself in my golf and my work.  I wanted to be happy,  I wanted to find a connection, I worked hard at pleasing everyone.  Looking back at that time, I believe that I did everything, but now I know in my heart I could have done more. I still was not complete. Half of me was not complete.  As a teena...

Life is fragile. Life comes with no guarantees, we don't have a pre set plan and we don't know who will be left surrounding us as we grow older.   We have no promises that how we feel, and what we can do today, will be how we feel and what we can do tomorrow. We also have no promises concerning health. Today, for the first time, I have had my eyes opened truly to life. I saved a dog on the way to work from being killed on a main road and took it to safe place.  I listened and was the shoulder to a young man in need to discuss his cancer diagnosis and his impending death.  In my room at work, I cried.  Today has helped me take stock of my life.  I know in my heart that I am unhappy.  If I was truly happy, I believe today wouldn't of made me cry.  I have spent a very long time masking deep insecurity and self-doubt with humour and a smile. I have spent a very long time drifting with no real plan and no real direction. I have an inability to make a d...

10:29pm on a Sunday evening, I have has 3hrs sleep this afternoon so I am, of course, wide awake.   The last few days, I have acted on behaviour towards me that over a period of time I have found damaging in many ways, both mentally and emotionally.  This has left me thinking....  People around us, be this friends, work colleagues or family can often behave in ways that we find irritating, annoying, or worse.... When this behaviour comes from those close to us, the feeling is a lot worse.   Family members often speak or act with little or no consideration on impact. They are always the first to criticize and the first to pounce on mistakes.  Sometimes the behaviour is so damaging mentally that you just have to walk away, some though cannot.   The behaviour hurts, this hurt builds up often for years until you finally are forced to take action, sometimes sadly for some it takes decades to break the cycle.  The closer they are to us, t...

Everyone talks about living in the now and being present in everyday life.  For the past eight to nine years,  I have been stuck in the past, my past life before becoming poorly.  This past life unbeknown to everyone around me was actually torturing me.   The majority of you may know that I have recently sold all my golf equipment because I could no longer handle the mental anguish and the torture of looking at them everyday.   This upset a lot of people.  Believe me I cried and it broke my heart, but believe me nothing compares to not being able to play.  Getting to +2, playing county and club golf and of course becoming Lady Captain aged 30 are achievements that not everyone has the ability to achieve.  Nobody can take any of that away from me but nobody can give it back either.   I have tried so hard to not look back at the past or even attempt to look into my future, I cannot help thinking that I shouldn’t look too...

I feel that in life lately, there is so much to be angry about.  Yulin Dog Meat festival for instance recently nearly blew my brain clean out of my skull.   Brexit Jeremy Corbyn Trump I could just continue making a long list.   My personal situation right now is utterly infuriating.  Emotional and mental stress and physical limitations placed on me mean I am often in my own personal rage internally.   Facing an uncertain future and the possibility of incredibly invasive treatments makes me feel a little anxious.   I’m not going to lie - sometimes I am angry, and I have great difficulty directing and dealing with that anger so often it becomes misplaced.   I'd rather let it all out and deal with the repurcussions than have it fester away inside me.   I know 99.9% of this is to do with being in pain.  I act out in a negative manner as a result of my inner pain. Most people who lo...