My past, my present and my future

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Everyone talks about living in the now and being present in everyday life. 

For the past eight to nine years,  I have been stuck in the past, my past life before becoming poorly.  This past life unbeknown to everyone around me was actually torturing me.  

The majority of you may know that I have recently sold all my golf equipment because I could no longer handle the mental anguish and the torture of looking at them everyday.   This upset a lot of people.  Believe me I cried and it broke my heart, but believe me nothing compares to not being able to play.  Getting to +2, playing county and club golf and of course becoming Lady Captain aged 30 are achievements that not everyone has the ability to achieve.  Nobody can take any of that away from me but nobody can give it back either.  

I have tried so hard to not look back at the past or even attempt to look into my future, I cannot help thinking that I shouldn’t look too far ahead or worry about what’s to come, because I cannot stop it happening to me now.

My past, of course I look back on with love knowing what I achieved, I appreciate the chances I was given and the risks I took. 

Wow, I done all these things and I'm now living the life that I have always wanted, like fuck am I but I need to make the best of the cards I have been dealt.  

The past 8-9 years, I’ve come far, I have battled and gone through shit that I would of never ever imagined and I am proud of myself for continuing to fight, it’s been important for me to recognize this.  The pride is different than being 29yrs old and standing on the first tee on New Year's Day and driving in for my captains year, but it is still pride.  


I can look at myself in the mirror and say look what you have achieved in your life, look at what you have made happen and look at you fighting now. 


I had never felt that proud of myself, or that impressed with myself before I took a long hard look at myself. I cried and felt an amazing gratitude for my life, my own resilience, and most of all, myself. 

Right now, I need to maintain focus, I cannot get caught up looking at where I should be, where I am not and where everyone else is.  I need to appreciate everyday because I am fighting and I am still alive.  I have a true sense of perspective on my life as a whole, from my triumphs to my failures, from my obstacles to my mistakes to my perfect coincidences.

I am living and growing, trying to be the best me I can be and I am trying to move forward every day, I will continue to fight everyday until my last breath.


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