Life through dry eyes

By -

Anger, hate, regret, envy, disappointment, jealousy... All of these emotions can become toxic that if allowed will eat us up.

Not one of these emotions are really useful, or get us very far, yet as humans we seem to cling onto them, as if they are fuel for our body.  

Regret, is an emotion I have done my best to distance myself from. I’m human and I make mistakes, mistakes that I personally hope I will not repeat. I’ve hurt people close to me that I never want to hurt again with foolish acts or careless words at times, but beating myself up again and again for those mistakes is futile. It’s a waste of my precious life.  

Maybe my outlook and approach to my life is all part of the aging and maturing process. I did think that maybe it’s because I’ve gained a rounder perspective of who I am and how lucky I am to actually be alive.  I am learning as each  day passes to attempt to let go of toxic emotions.  I am attempting to see these toxic emotions for what they really are, a waste of my focus.

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I am work in progress. I’m far from calm all of the time, I get frustrated at things I shouldn’t, I overreact to situations at times. I can still carry a grudge more than I would like to, I still feel that bitter feeling of disappointment in others sometimes, even though I know this is more about my own expectations than them. I’m getting better at letting things go but I still have a very long way to go.

Working part time to concentrate on my health means that a finite amount of my time in this world means that I have had to learn to prioritize.  Unfortunately, I have had to say no to some things so that I can say yes to those things that matter most to me.  I try and ensure quality space and time for my wife and our little Lindo,  I’m not talking about five minutes snatched here and there while staring at a screen; I’m talking about quality time where we are both fully present.

Since 2010, I have faced up to the fact that we all have a temporary place on Earth and that alone should be reason enough to apply a degree of clarity and purpose to every single day.   

I know that I need to make time for the people that matter most to me.

I need to make time for myself.  

I need to make time to dream.  

In life, nothing is more satisfying than working hard, but going forward, I need to ensure that I am making ample time to celebrate every personal successes and enjoy this journey that I am on.  Being ill is irrelevant because I still have fleeting and previous moments in my life and I need to make the best of them.  


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My tunnelled line

By -
Image
My central line was inserted on the 16th June at Kings, central lines can also be called a skin-tunnelled central venous catheter or Hickman or even a Groshong Line. The lines are long, hollow tubes made from silicone rubber. My neck was checked several times for a suitable vein using ultrasound technology, this areas was then cleaned thoroughly with antiseptic solution.  They used a local anaesthetic to numb the area and then made a small cut in my skin near my collarbone on my right side, this is the Insertion Site.  This site was secured by stitches. The tip of the line was then gently threaded into the large vein above my heart. The other end of the line was then tunnelled under the skin and an exit area was made in my chest and secured via stitches, I was then x-rayed to ensure the line was in the correct position.  The lines (I have 2) are sealed with a bung and the lines have been heplocked to avoid clotting and are clamped during non use. This exit are...
Read more

Feeling Regrounded

By -
This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...
Read more

Life

By -
I have not posted for a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October 2019 till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.   2020 -  I was poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister to Bath, had a lovely break in Yorkshire with my wife and our dogs.  I set out to read around 30 books and read close to 100. I spent a lot of time thinking.   In early 2020, I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.   I now have a beautiful little niece and I am looking forward to what 2021 brings, it's March 30th and the sun is shining and I am sat with India in the garden.  So, after spending a year in shielding and ...
Read more