Life Via a Line

This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...

I have trust issues, this isn't a new revelation as I have touched on this before.  My trust issues have not really ever gone away.      I am now 40, I realize looking back that I never really let people in, mainly for fear that they would let me down, belittle me or make me feel small, or otherwise diminish me in some way. I kept people at a distance, and this impacted my ability to have close, connected relationships/friendships. I used to think I had trust issues because of the way I was as a child, but I’ve come to realize there’s more to it than that. Trust was a matter of what other people did, how they treated me or how they disappointed me.  As I got older, I realised my trust issues are more about me than other people. Now, aged 40,  I may have some small wounds like everyone does from not receiving the emotional nurturing I needed when growing up. I have trust issues not because I distrust others, but because I don’t trust...

I believe that the world today is driven purely by ego.  We are in a 24/7 society that unfortunately seems to be in a constant state of comparison.  We compare ourselves to others, judge our performances or we are judged (usually harshly), we define our worth by our bank balance and look at success based on our career achievements, and  we are actually our own worst critics as we criticize ourselves for failure. I personally have underachieved by today's standards based of the fact that I left my pharmacy degree.  In my head, I had no choice, I showed signs of poor health that I could no longer hide, mentally I was top of my game - I was a year rep chosen by my peers, 100% attendance and straights A's but I was done. Since then I have worked incredibly hard and I don't punish myself because what is the point? This happened for a reason, I want to believe it is fate, it obviously was not meant to be.   I had to move forward, I was temporarily lost as my l...

Enthusiasm, I believe is often contagious.   When we are enthusiastic about something, we give off a certain energy that shines and it can be infectious.  When we see someone around us who is enthusiastic, it doesn't even matter what they are enthusiastic about; if we are in their presence it is so easy to become caught up in their energy.   Enthusiasm is authentic,  The thing we become so excited about, so enthused by is often so insignificant to others.   I love watching people around me when they are enthusiastic about something, what I find interesting is how, eventually,  you can often see that they feel self-conscious about their own enthusiasm.   In the past, within my golf, I loved getting caught up in others passion and excitement about their game or progress from starting a group of lessons and I loved nothing more than having others caught up in my enthusiasm.  I think when I decided to become lady captain back i...

Everyone has preconceptions of what it means to achieve.  They are all things that we are led to believe we should be working towards like marriage, children, faster car, bigger house purely because achieving these things will apparently make us happy and complete. At 40, I can say that I couldn’t be happier or more proud of our decisions to date. I am happy in my marriage and happy in my daily life, my health is a little unstable but It will sort itself.  We all want different things from this life, I believe there’s so much pressure to follow suit and do what has always been seen as the normal or correct way of doing things. We are all different. Waking up every day feeling excited and happy, settled even is important to me. I am living my best life, we are living our best life and being the best versions of ourselves because of our choices lately.   We do not totally conform to what others may perceive as normal.  We have chased our dreams to a certain degre...

Life is a journey.  Often my life does not make sense. I have learnt that life is not some narcissistic game. I have learnt that life matters. My life is filled with uncertainty, joy, struggles, surprises, disappointments, and rewards. My life, some would say is not fair. My condition, I hope does not define my life. I deserve. I deserve more. I deserve to be happy like I am. I deserve like everyone to be treated with respect.  I deserve down time, to rest my mind, my body and my soul.   I deserve to love and be loved. I am loved by my wife and love her unconditionally. I love my siblings and my two nephews with all my heart. I deserve the right to dream as dreams are for everyone.  At 40, I believe that I have earnt the right to have people around me who tell me the truth, lift me up, and want the best for me.  I deserve to walk away from people who continually tell lies and play games with people. I deserve to take time for myself. I de...

Many times in my life I have felt insignificant.   As a teenager, I looked to my school friends, I looked to my church youth club to help me fill this significance gap. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t. Teenage years are notoriously dramatic, and mine were no exception.  Life, I remember felt like a roller coaster and I hate roller coasters.   I remember then trying to find this significance in my golf.  The challenge was massive but I knew a way to recoup the feeling would be to get attention and affirmation from other people.  Being desperately shy didn't help me, I was 16 years old - glasses, braces and a few spots.  I spent 6 months practicing then put my first cards in to a handicap of 19, I was called up for Kent Girls, not long after I was cut to 11 and I made the Kent Intermediates, my story was beginning and I was doing something great.  I felt significant.  I was something finally.  The feeling was only fl...