Life Via a Line

It's 2.17am and I am wide awake, I haven't had bouts of restless sleep in a long time.   I have had plasma today and in an effort to try and stabilise my very low blood pressure during the exchanges which is making me very poorly, I have relooked at the way I approach my treatment and I have gone caffeine free 24hrs prior and will remain so throughout the treatment days.  I have also ensured I eat something, proper food instead of crap prior to my exchange and that for up to three hours after I avoid hot food and of course hot drinks.   Today this worked for me.   Life has felt good of late and complete.  I have two gorgeous little nephews, I have a close relationship with my sister and would hope to this year work on my relationship with my brother, even though he has a wife, at times I think he still needs his sister's.   Last few days life has thrown down some roadblocks in my extended family on my wife's side.  My wife's Nan ...

Have you ever thought that you accepted yourself fully, only to realize there were conditions placed upon that acceptance? Today, I am 39 years old and there have been points in my life when I realized I had stopped making progress with my self-esteem and my emotions. I would make some positive shifts that remained with me, like eating healthier and phasing out negative friends.  I felt like I was finally getting clear on what I wanted my life to look like and discarding the rest.  I was no longer a slave to all the self-doubt and anxiety that plagued me as a teen and in my early twenties. I was still experiencing some of the same old negative feelings I always had, like dreading certain social situations and despite all my progress, I somehow still felt a little behind everyone else.  I would still slip into self-sabotaging thoughts, mentally talking down to myself when I didn't achieve perfection. I would still compare myself to others my age...

There have been many times when I’ve felt overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness and desperate to feel some type of control. There have also been times when I’ve asked people for their opinions and then felt unsatisfied until I heard exactly what I wanted to hear. There have been times when I’ve made assumptions about negative things to come and then obsessed over what I could do to prevent it, or what I should have done to avoid it. In retrospect, everything is always worse at 2am or when I have worried myself literally sick.  All this mental brain work does very little to change what was to come.  It wasn’t even slightly useful or productive, and it definitely didn’t soften the blow if my fears came true and something went wrong or didn’t pan out. In fact, my sleepless nights worrying or making myself literally sick only ever exacerbated the situation, because worrying essentially began the disappointment retroactively. The famous nu...

Can you remember being 20?  For me, It was exciting, yet terrifying and confusing all at the same time. I was a proper adult. Having to take responsibility for my life. Having the world opening up to me.  Having to suddenly start making decisions and setting a clear direction for my life or at least attempting too.   I was constantly looking for what I was meant to do with my life, very overwhelming, confusing, and shame-indulging.  I discovered that finding is passive; it means that something or someone has to show up in order to get what we want. It’s outside our control.  I worked out that instead of finding meaning, it’s better to actually create meaning. I used to think that I was given a set of talents, skills, and behaviors, I soon realized that this was all changeable.  Being happier meant all I had to do was shift how I focused my life.  I am the creator of me.   It's taken me until my mid thirties to realiz...

I openly admit I read The Times, I always have.  I am a subscriber and over the years have enjoyed many many articles.   One article I return too again and again is about the NHS and it appeared in The Sunday Times written by AA Gill.   AA Gill used to think that being an NHS patient was like travelling second class on a train, grittier than first class, but in the end everyone ended up at the same destination. In his farewell piece back in 2016 he told of a discovery of a drug not available on the NHS . Below is a snippet from that article. It seems unlikely, uncharacteristic, so un-“us” to have settled on sickness and bed rest as the votive altar and cornerstone of national politics. But there it is: every election, the National Health Service is the thermometer and the crutch of governments. The NHS represents everything we think is best about us. Everyone standing for whatever political persuasion has to lay a sterilised hand on...

As I have aged, I find it satisfying to make a list and check things off. It feels so good that sometimes I will even write down the things I have already done. I just wish that the minor details would turn out how I plan.  The whole attachment to details, I believe is getting harder as time goes on. At a time when I most want to know if all be okay, I suddenly can’t figure the details out. Life seems to have many more variables and people involved now. I have learnt to accept that I will be okay even if I do not know the finer details, the most important part is that I know how I want to feel.  I have started to have a little more trust that I will find a way to be okay no matter what.  The more comfortable I get with letting the details reveal themselves when the time is right, the more aware I have become of all the people who want to know my plans  right now, sometimes this leaves me feeling ashamed for not having it all figured out. Understandi...

Over my life to date, I believe that my life has often just gone in  small circles.  My wheels have been spinning, with no break in sight, for days at a time. I believe that I am a highly efficient person with a logical mind.  I am useless at anything creative but I am enjoying persevering with my new Fuji camera.  I’m not even a good writer but have continued regardless with this blog.   If you’re like me, you know how exhausting getting stuck in these circles become, it just never stops. If I’m not checking things off in my mind or worrying about situations that have not even happened then I’m mentally torturing myself to attempt to use some new method of organization that I thought of while I should be asleep. At work, I am addicted to efficiency. It makes me feel productive and useful. But, I often have too many ideas and tasks to process at once.  The multitude of ideas then totally overwhelmed me and bingo,...