I know I will be ok

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As I have aged, I find it satisfying to make a list and check things off. It feels so good that sometimes I will even write down the things I have already done.

I just wish that the minor details would turn out how I plan.  The whole attachment to details, I believe is getting harder as time goes on. At a time when I most want to know if all be okay, I suddenly can’t figure the details out.


Life seems to have many more variables and people involved now.


I have learnt to accept that I will be okay even if I do not know the finer details, the most important part is that I know how I want to feel.  I have started to have a little more trust that I will find a way to be okay no matter what.  The more comfortable I get with letting the details reveal themselves when the time is right, the more aware I have become of all the people who want to know my plans right now, sometimes this leaves me feeling ashamed for not having it all figured out.


Understanding is different from knowing deep down in my soul that I will be okay no matter what.  I do not need control, I just need clarity and instead of certainty I just seem courage from within. 

I believe it takes courage to walk into the future knowing that I don’t have all the details nailed down. My next step may be right, it may be wrong, it may lead me nowhere, and people may think I am batshit crazy, but I have to take it at some point.  The truth of the matter is, no one ever really knows how it’s all going to look, but I probably have a good idea of how I want to feel and what’s most important to me. 


I know that I don’t need to see the details to trust that I will figure them out when the time is right.  I don’t need to know exactly how every piece will play out to know what the most important pieces to me are.  I do not need absolute certainty to know that I will find a way to be okay no matter what happens.  


I'm my heart, I know that I just to continue to remember to begin from living and breathing the truth: that you will find a way to be okay no matter what.  


I have absolutely no idea how healthy I will be in 10 years time, I have no idea where I’ll be working five years from this very moment, I have no idea where we will be living but I do trust myself to make the call when the time is right.


I don’t know all the when’s, where’s, or even how’s, but I do know how I want to feel and what I hold nearest to my heart.


I want to feel light, energized, and free.


I want to find meaning in my work.


I want to be home in time for dinner.


I have spent far too long bogged down by shit and drama that I’ve had enough of the heaviness that comes from dragging around a lifetime of plans. It’s too much pressure, and even the most carefully made plans might change in the end.


I am no longer letting my fear that I won’t be okay or that I’ll choose wrong or that people will disapprove suck the life out of living any more.


I’ll be okay no matter what.


Comments

  1. UnknownMonday, 29 January 2018 at 23:17:00 GMT

    That is positive, Odette x I live in a hostel with filthy foul mouthed drug addicts, I struggle to eat, I struggle to go to bed and I struggle to get out of bed. I vomit yellow bile constantly, which really burns, and I constantly consider suicide ( again ) but I will not give up. Life can be beautiful, just go for it with your heart and soul. XX

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    Replies
    1. odetteTuesday, 30 January 2018 at 01:15:00 GMT

      Peter, I believe you and I were given these battles to fight as we have the strength inside to get through it. I never knew I had inner strength or the courage I have shown to get to this point.
      I have no words at all for your situation and as I have said earlier today, every week without fail I pray for you. I have not known you for a long time but we have a connection greater than our love for golf and hope that remains for many years to come. Odette xx

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