Balancing Act

Over my life to date, I believe that my life has often just gone in  small circles.  My wheels have been spinning, with no break in sight, for days at a time.

I believe that I am a highly efficient person with a logical mind.  I am useless at anything creative but I am enjoying persevering with my new Fuji camera.  I’m not even a good writer but have continued regardless with this blog.  

If you’re like me, you know how exhausting getting stuck in these circles become, it just never stops. If I’m not checking things off in my mind or worrying about situations that have not even happened then I’m mentally torturing myself to attempt to use some new method of organization that I thought of while I should be asleep.

At work, I am addicted to efficiency. It makes me feel productive and useful. But, I often have too many ideas and tasks to process at once.  The multitude of ideas then totally overwhelmed me and bingo,  paralysis sets in.  When I’m stagnant, I get anxious and then start to feel guilty that I’m not getting enough done; like rest is a failure. Sometimes it’s hard for me to sit down at the end of the day, so the pace continues until bedtime, even though I know where it will lead.

I have spent my adult life, especially since I became poorly,  addicted to coming up with things that will keep me busy so I can feel a sense of accomplishment that I lost when I had to stop playing golf.  I have put so much pressure on myself.  I have all this time but no sense of purpose anymore.  

I am reduced to a person that lives in a tornado of indecision, and actually even if I did make a decision, I am too bloody tired to get it done 75% of the time. 

I was, still am passionate about golf, it gave me so much and I feel lost without it. . It's hard when something is taken from you and it wasn't your choice and even if I wanted to, I couldn't do a fucking thing about it.  To go from +2 to nothing is heart breaking when it was my life.  I hate photos of myself because I am not me now.  I don't recognise myself and haven't done for 5yrs.  I am incredibly good at acting like I am fine.   

I can feel myself sometimes getting so wound up internally, that the only resolution is that I actually start humming.  The simple act of humming gives my body a signal to release the  bound-up thoughts and allows more grace to seep in.

Changing my Job has helped me, my life is my own again.  I feel rejuvenated and I have my passion back, I care about what I do and it's impact and I accomplish more now than I ever did because I am respected.  

I believe that being passionate about work is a gift.  

Since my line was inserted, I have struggled with life more.  I have struggled with personal growth.  I have struggled to truly accomplish hence why I tried to cram every single day from dawn until midnight.  As a result, I was living in a constant state of fear.  I had become overwhelmed and was drowning under a sea of failure.  It wasn’t until I stopped and compared my current situation to where I was a year ago that I realized how far I’ve come.  

In the end, we all want the same things: success in our work life and a healthy, happy home life. 

We must take care of ourselves, we must take care of our mind, body, and soul.  If we don't we fall out of balance and fall prey to anxiety, depression, and god knows what other shit.  

I yearn for the day that I will pick back up my golf bag. 

I have to believe that one day I will.