Life Via a Line

In my life, I would rather be honest and authentic and disappoint some of those close to me, than to exhaust myself trying to keep up the façade of perfection. I have recently had some scan results and I am not doing so good.  I have some damage to the muscles in my legs which is why I have been in horiffic endless pain.   We have put together a plan and I will start Mycophenolate next week, I have an emergency appointment at Kings in the muscle clinic on Wednesday.  My consultant is also putting together paperwork for another round of Rituximab (used in chemotherapy) and for some IVIG treatment which will hopefully be done after my plasma. I will continue with my plasma every fourth week for three sessions.   So many of us walk around, day after day masking what is really going on our lives.  I have always given off the air of being strong and with that the emotion of being constantly happy.  Often I have felt that I have...

I believe there are two types of people in life.   Those who read goal attainment books and feel inspired, and me. The former read the anecdotes about all those underdogs who beat the odds and managed to achieve wealth and prestige beyond their wildest dreams.  They’ll feel enlightened, invigorated, and revved up to make a change.  Then there’s me. I may initially pick up such a book with genuine interest, my desire to whip my life into shape will invariably do an about-face leaving me anything but inspired. If I say anything to myself as I read, it’s more likely to be a string of ego-deflating curses.   I would make to do lists but could never find the sense in prioritizing them by urgency or by importance, but I was told that’s the only way to a meaningful life.  Except that to-do lists are actually now passé.  The more I have delved into all of this mumbo jumbo the more I have becom aware of an undercurrent of shame inside me, simmering a...

I have always believed in the benefits of having a healthy, strong body.  I admit, as a young adult my healthiness was driven predominantly by fear.  I went to the gym, I ran, I tried to watch what I ate, I had my own strict rules, and if I followed them I’d be okay… or so I always believed.   Over the years, I have learned about passions. And about how different it supposedly feels to participate in anything from a place of “passion.” Until then, it was theoretical. Something I had yet to experience. And then I found my golf aged 15.  Golf kept me fully engaged, completely in that moment.  I was in awe of my surroundings and I would totally lose track of time.  That’s what passion feels like. No rules, no effort. Just pleasure. When I “found” my passion. I wasn’t looking, it found me. When I was ready. When I allowed it. The wiser side of me realized that this formula applied to ever...

In a crisis, I show up.  Even if I am a complete mess, I show up.  I constantly reach within myself to get to the beyondness that carries me through.   This “beyondness,” is my guide.  It was directive but kind. It kept showing me the whole picture.  In a crisis you need the whole picture. My beyondness taught me that nothing is permanent, not life, not grief, not anything.  My beyondness knows what I need and helps me, it always knows what is in my best interest if I allow it to tell me.  My beyondness also always reminds me that hating inanimate objects doesn’t change reality.  Hating animate objects and random people you meet on life's journey is important.  In a crisis, my beyondness takes over and takes the lead.  My beyondness allows me the strength to head straight into the centre of terror when everyone else flees.   Denial always helps me function, for the first few years it helped me deal with my condition....

“When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart.” ~Geneen Roth As a teenager, I used to eat because I was lonely.  Lunch hour at school would last nine billion years.  I acted superior but felt inferior. I was needy, or tried to impress them.  I really didn't think friendship was something people learned, I thought there was something very wrong with me and that I'd be this way forever. I hated that I couldn't resist overeating.  I turnt to bulimia, I was body-conscious. I panicked that comfort food would make me fat. I wasn't! But I thought my thighs were big, and clenched my stomach in all day. I embarrassed to ask anyone, especially my parents or siblings for help.  I didn't know it was called emotional eating Going on improvised diets mad...

The capture, by a group of Syrian Kurds, of El Shafee Elsheikh and Alexander Kotey - the two Londoners who were in the beatles, a group responsible for the torture and beheading of at least 27 hostages, has bought to a head the issue of what to do with British Citizens who travel to join and fight with Isis.  Both El Shafee and Alexander have been stripped of their British Citizenship so there is little use of looking towards our government for advice on this.  We have no proper system in place for dealing with captured Isis Terrorists.  If they are within a war zone they can be eliminated by drone strike whether they are in combat or not. When they make it out of the war zone it is expected that they are treated to a full civilian trial at public expense.  The trials are often helped by the fact beheadings are often filmed and placed on you tube to watched around the world.  Isis fighters returning to Britain to face trail often would find themselves acquit...

“None of us get out of here alive…”  I struggle with death, underneath I am a very emotional person.  During my adult life I have lost women and men from the Golf Club, I have lost both my Grandfathers and in my twenties lost a very close friend of mine who was like an older brother to vCJD, that broke my heart.   I have watched Kim lose her father and we are coming close to her losing her 99yr old nan Doris who has dementia and tomorrow, Dot will go into a Nursing Home which will be the first time she has left her own home in a number of years.  I have cried a lot about Dot lately when we have looked at a couple of nursing homes for her locally.  Kim mum and aunt have cared for Dot for countless years now, they have no outside help whatsoever for anything and a Nightshift each so Dot is never on her own 24/7/365.   The loss of any life is heartbreaking, though it seems that there is a form of closure that naturally occur...

Holding space is hard to define without using the exact same words to define it.  I have experienced in my life many situations of people holding space for me, and I for them. When it comes down to it, what are we really doing when we are holding space? The interesting thing about holding space is that I am not actually holding anything. In any given situation, When both parties recognize what is going on and they are both open to stepping into a new reality… that is holding space. Holding space is about being in the space.  It is about being fully present with the experience. Holding space is viewing someone without judgment and seeing him or her through loving kindness. Holding space is recognizing that although we all may stumble, we are all also so powerful. Holding space is like holding the door open for someone to walk through to experience a new model of the world. Instead of feeling like the walls are caving in, holding space literally gives breathing room ...