I am not ok....

In my life, I would rather be honest and authentic and disappoint some of those close to me, than to exhaust myself trying to keep up the façade of perfection.

I have recently had some scan results and I am not doing so good.  I have some damage to the muscles in my legs which is why I have been in horiffic endless pain.  

We have put together a plan and I will start Mycophenolate next week, I have an emergency appointment at Kings in the muscle clinic on Wednesday.  My consultant is also putting together paperwork for another round of Rituximab (used in chemotherapy) and for some IVIG treatment which will hopefully be done after my plasma.

I will continue with my plasma every fourth week for three sessions.  

So many of us walk around, day after day masking what is really going on our lives.  I have always given off the air of being strong and with that the emotion of being constantly happy. 

Often I have felt that I have had to hold it together, sometimes for my wife but always for the sake of my family.  My famous words always being I am ok. For months now, I have kept it together when inside I have past my breaking point, truly exhausted mentally and physically in pain so bad that no amount of morphine has been helping my legs.  

The problem is, when you have been strong for so long, people do not want to hear that I am down or I am struggling or that I am even in pain and to honest, I do not want or need the sympathy or attention.  Being the strong one, there was an assumption of me being strong all the time.  

Inside though I am real like everyone else, wherever I choose to let this emotion out is my choice, I struggle when I feel exposed and vulnerable.  

When we ask people that we know how they are, are we really ready and open to an honest answer? Or are we just hoping they will say they are fine?   Everyone we interact with every single day, just like me carry worries, concerns or even pain and we cannot expect that everyone is strong.  When we ask someone how they are we need to give them room to share even if that makes us feel uncomfortable.  Letting people know you are there and that you care are very honourable traits.  

The first step to being honest with others is to be honest with yourself.  Like I said, I've spent the past 8 years masking and hiding my pain but that doesn't make it go away and left unprocessed, it's just leaked out in other ways. 

My facade and mask have now become to heavy to hide behind and I need the freedom now to be poorly because I actually am.  I haven't failed, I am poorly and acceptance has been the hardest part.  

I actually feel powerful and proud that I have finally taken off my facade and mask, I am vulnerable but in return I am being truthful.  I am no longer hiding, pretending or feeling that I need to be strong.  I am no weak, I am human just like you, I won't apologize now for being open and honest.