Facing the Fear of Death - Doris at 99yrs old

“None of us get out of here alive…” 

I struggle with death, underneath I am a very emotional person.  During my adult life I have lost women and men from the Golf Club, I have lost both my Grandfathers and in my twenties lost a very close friend of mine who was like an older brother to vCJD, that broke my heart.  

I have watched Kim lose her father and we are coming close to her losing her 99yr old nan Doris who has dementia and tomorrow, Dot will go into a Nursing Home which will be the first time she has left her own home in a number of years.  I have cried a lot about Dot lately when we have looked at a couple of nursing homes for her locally.  Kim mum and aunt have cared for Dot for countless years now, they have no outside help whatsoever for anything and a Nightshift each so Dot is never on her own 24/7/365.  

The loss of any life is heartbreaking, though it seems that there is a form of closure that naturally occurs when you know that someone has had lived a long anf fulfilling life.

I always believe what a young person dies it is tragic, this is the reality of life. We can slice and dice our ideas of the after life and paint whatever picture we choose, but the bottom line is, a life lost so young impacts many, and the grief stretches far.  The only time I don't feel that it is tragic is when a young person is ill with an incurable condition, to me then it's a release. 

When my best friend died, his life rapidly faded, from hospital to hospice, I began to find myself experiencing restless nights, often thinking about how lonesome it must be for him, he though was already suffering and didn't appear to recognise anyone. Upon his death, reality only set in further, and it shook me to my core.  It wasn't until approaching my wedding in 2016 that I allowed myself to finally grieve properly.  

I asked myself countless questions; Does death have to be a scary and lonely experience? Could I ever be fearless of death?

I repeated these questions in my head in various forms, and the more I pondered, the more that fear would rear its ugly head. It would present itself in many ways, mostly scenarios that could possibly happen in my own life, like losing my wife. 

I watched my thoughts unfold and I realized that I needed to put a stop to this. If you're reading my blog regularly, your level of self-awareness is likely high enough to be able to do the same, to recognize when something is spiraling out of control.  

To move forward I had to come up with a new plan of not just covering up the fear, but confronting it, and making peace with it.

Acknowledgment for me is hard and not just in this situation.  I could no longer repress anything, I had to get all this out.  It was often scary, often dark but this was necessary for me.  Anytime I felt anxiety or fear, I stopped myself and thought swept what was causing this intense feeling inside me.  It was my only way forward.  

I know my mind is irrational, Christ I still think Freddy Krueger is going to kill me in bed or in the shower.  Despite my irrational mind, calling our my fears felt liberating.  

I am ok with time alone, I can spend time alone most days.  Often, when I am alone, my mind tend to fight me when I am close to overcoming challenges of any kind.  This is further intensified when it pertains to the unknown, particularly subconsciously fearful concepts of death.  I know from my teenage years that Peace of Mind only comes with the ability to be content with myself without any distractions, it helps me to face my fears, it also helps me tremendously in taking control of my mind, and has even lead me to other benefits in life such as feeling compassion and kindness for other people. 

I am grateful for my life, as humans we all get so caught up in the big things that we completely neglect to appreciate the small things in life.  I naturally think about my day in gratitude when it's all over.  Since my chest line was fitted last Summer, I have formed a habit which involves me pausing throughout my day and being grateful for it while the day is still playing out. 

We are all so easily drawn into the future, especially when we experience the loss of a loved one. Thinking then about our own mortality, this is always a surefire way to stir negative emotions deep inside us. Still, we do not have to become slaves to it. We can instead choose to focus on what we have now.  Believe me I know it is impossible to live in the present moment all the time especially in this wild world but I know myself, if I continue to draw myself into a position of gratitude, I can overcome my fears more fully.

This year I have noticed that similar pattern, new life is arriving and many lives are also tragically being lost. There may be no rhyme or reason to these events, but my friend had it right when she said, “None of us get out of here alive…”

We will all most certainly meet the same fate one way or another, so to avoid this is simply putting of the inevitable.

I know, if I can face this, I can really live and enjoy more peace and joy than I ever could of imagined.