Doing my best

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I always attempt to do my best in any given situation.  I do the best I can with what I have.  This applies to everything including my health.  

Today's society is often tricky, we are all urged to do more, to do better, to achieve, to excel.    

Currently I have plasmapheresis every fourth week, I have 3 sessions on that fourth week and I start on that Monday afternoon by telling myself that I am doing the best I can with the resources available. 

I am an extremely competitive person, always have been.  Playing golf off of +2, playing a high standard of tennis, achieving a high level in Karate.  I have always been like this, I was raised like this.  For the past two years this has slowly left my system.  I am happy now with doing my best.  In the past my best was never good enough.  


In some respects becoming ill, going through what I have the past 8/9 years and having this chest line put in has done me the world of good.  Acceptance of doing my best with what I have has enabled me to find peace within myself.  An acceptance that I have never had.  A major process of internalisation has taken place and I have had many chats with myself alone, having a cry, having a temper, shouting and screaming.  Periods of time spent in intense emotion sat on the floor resulting in a lot of tears.  Rock Bottom. 


I wish it hadn't come to me having heartbreak at walking away from my golf and selling my equipment, I wish it hadn't taken me to be completely broken with pain but it did. I had to reach rock bottom in order to gain a new perspective and learn that doing my best was all I ever needed.  From this, I have learnt that my abilities in any given moment depend entirely on my inner resources, and that my inner resources are constantly in a state of flux depending on my emotions (pain, stress, anxiety, fear), my physicality, my history (the habits I adopted, the trauma I have experienced, the socialization I continually internalized), and so much more.


All of this makes us unique, we cannot compare ourselves to each other as we all come from a complex array of experience.  


I know that my personal actions have consequences and if I harm someone I am accountable for that.  I know moving forward I am doing my best and to some my best is not enough, simply just not good enough.  I have had to make very tough decisions and one of these has been that I didn't need to hold myself to a constant standard of perfection.  I can no longer strive or compete.  


I have seen flaws that I used to hide, they have been laid bare for all to see. I have opened myself up to everything.  I have enough obstacles now in my life without creating unnecessary ones.  


I am doing the best I can with the resources I have to hand.  

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