The path of least resistance for me

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I'm sat in the day room before treatment and I am for some reason recalling a conversation between my wife and I. 

Last year my wife told me to stop resisting.  Stop fighting she used to say, stop fighting against being poorly. She used to tell me to allow every drop of treatment to enter my body in a positive way instead of every treatment session starting with me battling.  She used to question why in my treatment, in my work and other aspects of my life I fought.  

I looked at my wife and in my mind I told myself do not resist. 

I had been fighting, sometimes fighting for fightings sake, sometimes against God knows what but I was fighting. 

I had never, even for a moment, thought about this concept.  I knew about letting go because everyone wants to be mindful and hippie.  

It had never crossed my mind to do anything except fight.  This condition had taken my life as I knew it, my golf and in time a full time job and the treatment and constant appointments and hospital stays were making me incredibly miserable.  So my pride made me fight. 


Once my wife had spoken to me and left the hospital that afternoon the rest of my afternoon and evening felt like it was in slow motion.  I laid there with my earphones in thinking about what she had said.  


My wife is a gentle person and just wants what is best for me and has jumped through hoops with me to get to our current position.  She has fought against the NHS system with me and held me when I felt broken.  She knew in her heart I needed to stop fighting and that it would benefit me in the long run.  


Over in my corner, I was insecure about everything and was full of self doubt and didn't know any other way to get through a day without fighting.  


Two days later,  we talked about it.


"Now that I have had time and space to think about it, it makes perfect sense!” I said to my wife


For 99.9% of my life up until last June, I had resisted things as they came up and now I didn't need to that, I could go with life's flow.  Maybe this condition had a double meaning and was now trying to teach me something.  


Driving home after having my line inserted, I could see how this tiny, simple phrase, “Don’t resist” was going to form a strong foundation for my wife and I.  


It has begun to change our lives.


When my condition showed up and then took my golf away, I felt shattering into a billion pieces, we tried very hard to hold everything together, to keep the other pieces of our lives in place.  Now though we felt more curious.


My resistance was made up of anger, frustration, tension and the insistence that things around us must change


As a person, though, I am made bigger and better than the tiny properties that make up my resistance.  


 I am made up of a wonderful compilation of thoughts, feelings, experiences, and beliefs about myself and the world around me. Sometimes I cling so hard to this compilation that it become difficult for me to do anything else, anything different when I needed to. 


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