Advice - to give or not

I have mixed feelings about advice to be honest, sometimes when someone dumps something on me, I take the initiative and voluntarily start giving them solutions to their problem, even though this isn't strictly what they asked for.  

When someone used to dump their problems on me, I used to think: “Oh, they have this problem and would you believe it, I have the answers. I’ll be a good friend and help them solve it because I care about them.”

Over time, I noticed my friends body language towards me when I would go into solving zone and they would come across irritated.  I could tell, even though I believed in my advice, they didn't.  

This led me to question how I reacted when I shared my problems with others and I looked at how they responded, often by giving me unsolicited advice.  

Isn’t it funny how we often don’t know that something’s annoying and maybe even condescending until we’ve been on the receiving end of the very same behavior ourselves?

Giving answers or unsolicited advice is patronizing and condescending. 

When someone gives me advice or answers this is what I actually hear 

“I think you’re inadequate and incompetent, and you require my superior knowledge and wisdom to make progress here. Without my help and intervention, you are a helpless victim incapable of dealing with your own problems. You should feel lucky that I’m even putting in my precious time and effort to give you some assistance. Furthermore, I don’t accept you the way you are. I’m making it my mission to change you so that you fit into my ideal of who I think you should be instead of accepting you as you are.”

Blood seething inside and several other bleep words spring to mind.

Friends do not want a solution and actual help, they just want to sound off. Almost every time friends complain, they’re not doing it because they actually want a solution to these problems. They’re not doing it because they want my help. They’re doing it for another reason altogether.

All they want is To be understood and receive sympathy.

More specifically, they want someone to understand how difficult a task what they're going through is for them. 

No unsolicited advice.  Trust me, that’s the last thing they want.

I’ve discovered an important lesson in friendships and that is to stop trying to help people with their problems when they complain about them, unless they specifically ask for it. Instead, I’ve found it much wiser to seek to understand what they’re going through and what they must be feeling and focus on that.

They want to be understood and validated.  Friends simply want affirmation on how much whatever they’re going through sucks and how hard it is.

Now, even if I can see the error of their ways or the solution is screaming at me, I try and let people work through their own problems and issues.

Instead of me jumping to the rescue with my saving grace and silly advice, I try to let them deal and work through it now.  

I believe in attempting to nurture a positive outlook on life, yet at the same time trying to be realistic, honest, and understanding that, yes, life does sometimes suck and it’s wise to accept that rather than living in an illusion where the world is filled with rainbows and lollipops.

Ultimately, it all comes down to this…

What would you rather have:

A strong connection with the people in your life, or the certain knowledge that they harbor hidden feelings of resentment toward you due to your unwanted, condescending advice?

The choice is yours.