My relationship with my body

Its 23:24 and I have just finished writing this.  This is a very honest and open blog post, like with all my posts, I am open and honest and I try to explain and give some background detail about what I am going through and why.  This is something I have gone through since I was around 15yrs old.  

My relationship with my body affects my entire life.  I know that because when I am fighting with my body, I am fighting with myself. 

As a teenager I used to believe this 

If I love my body as it is today, it will get worse. I will gain more weight. If I keep my constant attention on it, remind myself hourly how much I don’t like it, it will transform.

Blood crazy, isn't it?

Has anyone ever “hated themselves skinny” and had healthy, long lasting results? 

Has anyone ever “loved themselves fat”? And I am not talking about the love you think you are giving yourself by eating a huge dairy milk. I am talking true love causing the body to gain massive amounts of weight.

Yet for years, this was an inbuilt fear, if I loved myself and loved my body then I would get worse.  As a teenager, The more I fought with my body for gaining weight, the more weight I gained but this was all in my head as I suffered with an eating disorder. 

I believe that eating disorders, eating issues never leave you and just manifests itself in different ways.  As a 39yr old, I have an unhealthy attitude to eating and do not enjoy meal times at all. 

Prior to my condition letting rip in mid 2010, I used to go to the gym twice a day every day and swim in the mornings and hit thousands of golf balls a week, I weighed 59kg. 

7 yrs on and endless treatments and chemotherapy treatments for my condition meant I no longer had the strength to fight against my body and my body for the first time ever had a chance to finally let go, I battled though and held on and on using forms of control with food but for the last year after a round of Rituximab, I have gained weight and I hate the me that I see.  I won't allow anyone to take any pictures and I am so self conscious that it eats away at me a little more everyday. 

This weight is not actually on my stomach as have stayed between a 10-12 (depending on the shop), I used to say if they made an 11 it would perfect.  My weight gain has been on my arms, thighs, back and chest.

I am angry and inside me, I know if I am honest with you, I am upset.  Infact more than upset. Currently I cannot fight, even though the life that I had set up for myself was so stressful and near on impossible to maintain, I believed I was happy.

Last Summer, they put in a permanent chest line and I have had to allow my body to rest and I have been very closely monitored by not only my consultant but a new team helping facilitate my exchanges in the local Renal Department meaning I have had to stop punishing myself and my body. 

I have had to allow my body and myself a much-needed break from the stress of obsessing about my weight.

Since my chest line was fitted, I have entered into a routine of loading therapy which is three sessions every fourth week, this has forced me into a corner meaning I have had to be honest with myself and admit I had issues that have continued since I was a teenage girl, I have had to force myself to establish a starting point for me to grow.  

I am a very logical person so I know the longer you ignore where you are or pretend you are not where you are, the longer you’ll stay there.

The loading therapy has made me let myself be in my body without needing to have a different one, I released the resistance and so everyone now believes I have the ability to move forward toward a life I truly need.... Hmm....

I cannot go through treatment starving myself or any other crazy plan I was following or wished to follow, desperately clinging to a different body with all my might, convinced that this is what will bring me all the happiness, contentment, and love in the world.

In order for me to find acceptance for myself, believe me this has been f***ing hard and torn me into a billion pieces time and time again, I have had to learn to feel.  I have gone since summer 2017 feeling numb to everything and then just after Christmas 2017, I thought “Why can’t I just love myself?”

This was torture, utter torture and heartache for me.  

In order for me to love myself, I had to first admit that I wasn’t happy. In fact, I knew I was the most pissed off I had ever been in my life with myself but after a celebratory pity party, followed by many many tears, I could finally move forward.  I didn't want too, but in order to continue treatment I have had too.  I need to be in a good frame of mind and alert to my body and in tune with it and that meant I needed to deal with all this. 

For years, I have ignored what I feel, by doing this I believed it would all just go away but just the opposite occurs.  Ignoring feelings or not feeling our feelings doesn't mean we will never feel shit, its just a way to start an inner war that lasts forever until you finally feel sad. 

I had to get to this torturous shitty point and admit that I was well pissed off, frustrated, and down right suspicious of my body, I was then able to release the resistance, call off the fight, and move toward an overall feeling of acceptance. 

It’s no secret that a stressful environment is not conducive for lasting results in life.  So many people live each day in a stressed out body, wondering why they can’t achieve this weight or that body shape. Then to make matters worse, obsess over food and spend hours at the gym without even taking a moment to breathe - this was me.   

I have been forced to find a peaceful environment for myself now so that I can move forward.  

Throughout my life, I have had very stressful thoughts and beliefs about weight.  These thoughts have inhibited my bodies’ ability to release the weight easily and effortlessly. Kind of like if someone believes weight loss is hard, painful, and full of restriction, then it will be, but if you believe that weight loss is intuitive, insightful, and transformative, then it will be.

Mindfulness has taught me that when you are present with exactly where you are, you are able to feel all your feelings and find peace then you have the ability to stop fighting.  The battle faced for years will only be done when you admit that you are tired of the fight.

For me this was torture but I've told myself this has not meant that I have given up or lost the fight, it simply means that I have aligned my thoughts.

Right now, I admit for the first time in my life, I cannot control my weight by whatever means necessary like I have in the past, I simply just cannot do it.  When you desire something, the ability to have it needs to be present. 

My focus needs to be elsewhere.  Instead, I need to focus on living my best life in this very moment, wherever I am.

I tell myself in the mirror everyday that I am not weak or pathetic for surrendering. I am smart and powerful for realizing I had too.

I have the ability to say that I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep myself healthy, regardless of what else has to suffer, this is the most powerful move I can make for lasting results in my life.