How did I......

03:19am

How did I get to this point?

This question has pulsed through my brain repeatedly in a state of complete exhaustion this past week.  Plasma Exchange has been incredibly tough and I have felt very unwell. 

On tuesday after my second session I felt done. Inside I felt like I had nothing left to give.  I was crying in bed feeling the sickest I have ever felt.

How did I get here?

Gradually, then suddenly.

It happened so gradually, almost imperceptibly. And then suddenly, unequivocally, shockingly, I am here, me, this person who cannot control my blood pressure, the sickness, the pain or this condition.

Looking back, I can see that I have immersed myself in everything needed of me, blood tests, skin tests, skin biopsy, muscle biopsy, CT Scans, MRI scans, X-RAYs, exercise tests, fasting tests, brain tests, epilepsy tests, catheters, Vas Caths and permanent line to name a few.

Gradually, these things have finally taken their toll on me.  This week, suddenly I have found myself in a dark and frightening place, unable to get out of sickness from treatment, the onset of more insomnia and the low blood pressure. 

This is not a dramatic blog post, this is real, real life, my real life about living with a chronic condition that cannot be cured. 

We each face sudden declines in life. Moments where we realize what we've been neglecting, treating poorly, or taking for granted. It could be

Our health - the moment we step on the scales or try to walk three flights of stairs.  Or the moment we realize we cannot cut ties to a substance, an emotion, or a person.  Or the moment we are brave enough to look at our credit card statement and realize we’re living beyond our means.  Or the moment we realize we’ve watched more than sixty days worth of television in a year, the months are passing with little to show for it, or the reflection in the mirror is ten years older than we remember.

We all are guilty, either we’ve stopped paying attention to what’s important, or we’ve decided that not knowing the truth of our situation is preferable to seeing the reality.

Unfortunately, being human means there comes a time, a moment when everything comes back into focus, a sharp focus that engulfs us and I am in mine, fight or flight time, this moment has been building gradually with me saying I will sort my low blood pressure and I will make appointment to change my medications when my GP is back from India and/or I will chase my consultant at Kings with another quick email but suddenly it all arrives at once and suddenly running and hiding is no longer my option.

I have been here before and I know only too well that just like my decline, my ascent will be gradual.

I will turn this around, I will be happier again, I will get healthier and I fix what I can with what I have at my disposal. 

I have realized over the past eight years that my life has been one big, precarious balancing act, I began to see what was and was not important.

I have taken the time to work out what truly matters.  My partner became my wife and this is my security, my comfort and she is my soul mate and my best friend.  My sister and I have grown very close, she is not only my sister but my best friend and I value what we have and it will always be there for me.
I know that once I removed the expectations, the comparisons and the thought that I “deserved more from life” it was quite simple to see what my priorities were and they became crystal clear to me. 

My wife, love, health, joy, family and contentment and more importantly, making the time, space, and energy to experience each of these fully.

I know that as and when I start my ascent I will begin to see huge benefits to time spent on myself, time spent alone, eating clean foods, sleeping more, exercising regularly, rising early—these changes will all assist my ascent. 

I know only too well that when I am unwell or in poor health, I know that like now I can’t fully engage with people and things that matter .Too much of my current energy goes towards simply getting me through the day.

Learning to be content with who I am, what I now have and the cards I have been dealt mean my circumstances instead of always hindering me have actually smacked me right in the face and then helped me live a far more meaningful life since becoming poorly. Finding this small contentment within me has brought me some form of peace, gratitude for what I had before and a new focus, where for years I took everything and everyone for granted. 

I know that I no longer feel like I deserve more from life. I know I need to work towards goals and dreams, just like I did with my golf and I will every day, they are different goals but with more meaning as believe me I know that I understand fully that I am not just entitled to them, they need to be fought for and earnt and that in itself for me is liberating.