Chronic Pain

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Given the chance, I would much rather bear pain on my own, mainly because it is incredibly difficult for me to be vulnerable and ask for help.  I even struggle to share how I feel with my wife and my family.  
I am like this because of my upbringing, self-sufficiency was valued with the nuns.  Knowing that I have often praised individuals who have done extraordinary things and I have seen it as a sign of strength that they accomplished all of it on their own.
Long chats with my team at Kings and even a top neuropsychologist who just so happened to retire after seeing me... means that I can understand that I am not an island and I am connected to my wife and even my little Lindo, how I am even affects her and I also have a connection to my family especially my sister and what I go through even though I spare them the details, does affect them eventually.  I have someone external that I can talk too, he is my twin, I can be brutally honest and open and be morbid or swear or rant or feel down and he never judges me, he listens and offers advice and he is there for me anytime of the day or night.  My twin keeps me from throwing in the towel and has steadied me when my wife hasn't been with me.  I owe my twin a lot.  
Being used to grinning and bearing it, keeping everyone in the dark is easy... But, I am slowly coming around to the idea that I am not meant to go this alone.  



Pain is not just physical, it is emotional and has a huge effect on my mental well-being.  Humility is not thinking I am inferior or superior to anyone else; it means understanding who I am and what I am capable of.
I know now that I am unfortunately incapable of doing things I used to take for granted.  Humility took me from 'should be able/was able' and has placed me in the position of asking for help from my wife daily, sometimes multiple times a day.  Swallowing my pride has long gone.  I had to get to this stage though and it takes time and the hardest words to admit for me was that I could no longer do this alone.  

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