Challenges...

The last year has been one of unprecedented change, amidst all the turbulence, challenges, and pain, a few insights have occurred to me.  

Nothing is permanent even though we are programmed for the opposite.  I, like everyone wants my life to feel safe and secure, and permanence gives me the illusion that it is.

The reality is that nothing is permanent, and the only thing I know I can count on is change. The more I push for permanence in life, against the current, the more disappointed I become when I find it is not achievable to the extent I think it should be, but if I can accept the fluidity of life, everything changes.

Why is it that life can look hopeful one day, and so very dark the next? Very little of my actual situation has changed from one day to the next. But my perception of it can change minute by minute based on how I am feeling in that moment, whether I am tired or rested, peaceful or angry, whole or damaged.

I am learning not to overreact in the moment, or make important decisions when I am feeling down.

In the midst of the turbulence over the past year, I have a strong tendency to dwell negatively and then everything looks bloody dark and it snowballs, especially if I am then awake at night as everything is a thousand times worse at night.  

I know that I can make a difference to my state of mind by just focusing on what I have, how lucky I am and how I have access to treatments others may not. 

I have and always will be my own worst critic, I am the world's best at focusing on my own failings and inadequacies.  This obviously doesn't help and just reinforces more negativity, by reinforcing it, that is the reality I create for myself. So I need to continue slowly learning to cut myself some slack.  

I know that there is a direct correlation between how we treat ourselves and how we are with others out in the world.

I have a lifelong tendency to look back or forward, Christ I look anywhere other than being present. Guilt and shame look back, worry and anxiety look ahead. In either case, it is just wasted energy.  Energy that I don't really have to waste.  

I know that if I feel that I need to do something to set things right, then I simply do it, then let it go and not allow these feelings to linger.  These feelings are a killer. 

We can plan all we want, but there are much bigger forces at work out there.  The bigger plan for us may not coincide with what we think should happen or the planned timetable we have in our head.  I believe that the universe wants to help me. My job is to see it, step out of the way, and let it work its magic.

I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. There all kinds of expectations out there about what I should do, how I should do it, who I should be, and how I should fit in.  It is impossible for me to keep up, to satisfy everyone else.

It has been easier for me to finally learn just to be me, and to be comfortable with who that is.

This is basic, but when my life is in turmoil, I find I skip meals, or eat badly,  My sleep suffers and when I am not rested, my whole perspective changes for the worse. That's usually when I make bad decisions. I feel lethargic and tend to be aggressive.  

These three are all connected, and they are actually some of the few things that we are actually able to control to some degree.  When I force myself to practice self-care, I feel better, stronger, and my life is brighter.

It's taken me around 5yrs to learn that I have a history of doing or using anything I can to not feel pain. I know this doesn't work because when I mask the pain, it never leaves. It just gets stronger, and comes out in other ways.  I know that this pain needs to be acknowledged. When I let myself feel it, it loses its grip and passes through me quicker.  

I have certainly not mastered any of these above, but underpinning it all is a sense of heightened awareness about the feelings I have, and I’m beginning to recognize where these feelings come from. This is the first step in learning, accepting, and rolling with the changes that life offers up.