Beginning Again??

By -
It has taken me almost thirty plus years to realize that running away from myself isn’t the same as letting go. That realization, as with so many others, came at a time when I was at one of my lowest points.
At the time, I was working full time in a job I'd grown to hate and I was exhausted. I was barely sleeping, and when I did it was the kind of nightmare-filled, fitful sleep that took forever to return from.  I would wake up each morning feeling as though I'd been in a battle as I slept. My fatigue was so overwhelming, I was beat, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.




That’s when it happened. I was half-listening to a talk on radio 4 that I had heard before, but this time something he said utterly gutter-punched me.

He said: “Do you leave your deaths on the battlefield of life, or do you have the strength and courage to give them your love and bring them back?”
Golf had been my refuge, became my refuge and escape from everything and was the one thing that had never let me down.  Golf was the one thing I trusted, believed in, and knew with everything I had I would do with my life.
My condition has stripped me of it and at my lowest point I really wasn't strong enough to pick myself up.  Part of me died that very day.   

Since then, I have spent a lot of my time putting a band-aid on the pain of losing my golf. . I busied myself with a new hobby of photography and I’d told myself it was okay, I was okay and I had to let it go. Let go of the passion I'd once felt, the sense of rightness and surety.

I knew I was kidding myself. I still haven't let go and I've been poorly since 2010.  I have been running, running from my pain and running away from the pain of everyone knowing I can no longer play.  Going from Lady Captain of a club I had grown up at, with ladies that have known me since I was 16yrs old and playing off of +2 to barely being able to walk 50 yards. 

How would anyone feel about that? one day you have everything you have worked for and the next day it's all gone. 

The worst part is I know that in order to let go of the pain, I have to accept it, allow it, and integrate it and my past self into who I am now.
Possibly until I do this I won't sleep properly.

In life this sort of shit happens because I have been hurt, I try to stay safe by remaining wherever feels comfortable, even if that comfort is actually preventing me from accessing potential joy. But without risking pain, I know that I prevent myself from growing, and the irony is that by holding myself down to ensure that I don't fall, I am actually creating far more pain in the long run.

Nobody needs to tell me that I need to go outside of my comfort zones and risk falling in order to open up a whole new world of purpose, excitement, and engagement.  Christ, realizing this was difficult enough for me, it will take me a while to deal with all of this. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My tunnelled line

By -
Image
My central line was inserted on the 16th June at Kings, central lines can also be called a skin-tunnelled central venous catheter or Hickman or even a Groshong Line. The lines are long, hollow tubes made from silicone rubber. My neck was checked several times for a suitable vein using ultrasound technology, this areas was then cleaned thoroughly with antiseptic solution.  They used a local anaesthetic to numb the area and then made a small cut in my skin near my collarbone on my right side, this is the Insertion Site.  This site was secured by stitches. The tip of the line was then gently threaded into the large vein above my heart. The other end of the line was then tunnelled under the skin and an exit area was made in my chest and secured via stitches, I was then x-rayed to ensure the line was in the correct position.  The lines (I have 2) are sealed with a bung and the lines have been heplocked to avoid clotting and are clamped during non use. This exit are...
Read more

Feeling Regrounded

By -
This afternoon, while having my first session of plasma this week, I overheard a conversation concerning an EOL (end of life) plan, the curtains are not soundproof and actually they were not even drawn properly.   The conversation upset me grately as the patient was very concerned about not upsetting her sons, ensuring her sons would be financially ok, wanting to just die in her sleep so as not to upset them and the hope of having one last cuddle with her grandson.  On leaving the ward, the patient said to me 'see you later Kiddo', I will never forget how that made me feel and will always remember the smile on her face.  On the way to the car I felt very emotional.  My thoughts racing.   It’s so much easier in life to sit outside a situation than be in it.  I cannot begin to understand how it feels to be in a position like the lady this afternoon.  This made me start thinking about life.   How many people choose the safe ...
Read more

Life

By -
I have not posted for a while, I was poorly and at rock bottom from October 2019 till just after Christmas and I became very withdrawn.   2020 -  I was poorly, turnt 41, had a mini break with my sister to Bath, had a lovely break in Yorkshire with my wife and our dogs.  I set out to read around 30 books and read close to 100. I spent a lot of time thinking.   In early 2020, I had a chat with an old work colleague, I still remember the times we would be silly and laugh like drains.  My old colleague is a beautiful person, an extremely talented NHS Professional and it's nice to talk about real life and the shit that's happening rather than just passing the time of day.  We both learnt things about each other and opened up a little.   I now have a beautiful little niece and I am looking forward to what 2021 brings, it's March 30th and the sun is shining and I am sat with India in the garden.  So, after spending a year in shielding and ...
Read more