Unsettling Three Days....

For the past 3 days I have had a shit time and this is actually putting it mild.

Monday, I started my first session of plasma at midday, by 12:10 the machine was alarming and it continued like this for the duration of the prescription of plasma.  We kind of decided that the machine was being overly sensitive as we kept swapping the lines over and could not find any clots. I felt shit, I was cold and extremely tired.

Yesterday, I arrive at the hospital at 10am and firstly the machine was not primed, meaning we were at least 45mins away from starting.  Around 1hr plus later, time had passed incredibly slowly and eventually we started, the machine was having none of it and decided it would audibly alarm every couple of minutes, lines swapped and flushed and we took over 40 minutes to exchange one bottle, often this only takes under 10 minutes.  We knew this was not a happy situation and we started a difficult conversation about the line, just as we start the conversation my blood pressure decided that it would randomly plumet to 70/50, the nurse immediately reacts and tips the bed backwards, I was hanging on by my butt cheeks!  The nightmare continued with the machine, my line and my blood pressure, I was so pale that I made Casper the friendly ghost look tanned.  I was shivering, exhausted and felt worried about the lines preservation for the first time. 
Eventually at 1.30pm, we decide that we will lock the line with tPA (Tissue Plasminogen activator), which is a protein involved in the breakdown of blood clots.  As an enzyme, it catalyzes the conversion of plasminogen to plasmin, the major enzyme responsible for clot breakdown, because it works on the clotting system, tPA is used to treat embolic or thrombotic stroke.  We logically work through several steps and decide the line was have a clot somewhere, we can visibly see kinks but doubt the visible kinks could be causing all of this. Normally tPA is locked into a line and as it works instantly, it is normally then flushed after an hour.  In my case the tPA will be left locked into the line 12 hours plus. 

 We leave for home, I have incredibly low blood pressure, feel shit, feel cold and am worried and exhausted.  I tell myself not to worry and what will be will be but the thought alone of losing this line made me feel a little emotional. 

Today, we arrived at just gone 10.30, I needed it to relatively drama free as my father had decided he would come.  I don't think my parents have still fully adjusted their minds to the line, they know the line is allowing me to have constant treatment every fourth week this keeping me well and out of hospital.  The line flushes fine and attached well immediately, we all gather waiting for the audible alarms, we get through the first bottle in around 14 minutes and the renal team who help facilitate my exchanges had already decided that we would be adding saline aswell creating a drink for me while on the machine - this doesn't help and suddenly blood pressure plumets, bed gets tipped back and I spend the rest of the exchange clinging on to the bed with butt cheeks for dear life. Kim and my dad had gone for coffee and the good part is, I had recovered some colour by the time they return but Kim gives me the knowing look that we often share when we know things are not going well.  I know regardless of what I am struggling with Kim never falters and always remains upbeat the completely positive and I know this it totally for my benefit as nobody likes a worried and stressed Ode, definitely not Kim.  My blood pressure barely recovers above 105/73 which is still incredibly low for me.  I am shivering, exhausted and felt drained. By this point I am wrapped in three blankets in a tipped up bed,  I SOS to consultant at Kings for advice as at this point late on the third day I am feeling no benefits whatsoever from the 3 exchanges at all.  Talk about a little deflated. The surrounding renal team completely puzzled with why I am struggling with my blood pressure.  Bloods are taken with different screening panels added in to check for inflammation or infection.

I laid there and began to feel like no matter what I did or how much effort I put in, life was never a smooth path. Seemingly promising opportunities would lead me to obstacles. Even when I did get something I wanted, it would lead to another stressful problem that needed solving.  I feel exhausted. I sort of feel currently as if there is just no end to the tunnel. I feel like I can see no point in time when I can just put everything down, sit, and enjoy the scenery for a while.

On the way home I was thinking that logically it isn't simply the swirl of events surrounding me currently that cause life's ups and downs but my perspective. 

Some of the things I have experienced this past six months could easily make anyone feel shit and fed up. Had I taken a different view, however, I wouldn’t have constantly psyched myself up and created such unhealthy overpowing emotions.  When I look back at the past six months, over what I thought were victories or setbacks at the time, they are actually so insignificant now. My life is not over, as I believed it to be when they inserted this bloody line, nor was my future set in stone, being truthfull, I wouldn’t want either.

Although, I have had a terribly shit few days, I have actually learned that no matter what happens, life goes on. Celebrations and challenges are a part of everyone’s life, not the be-all and end-all.  I’ve started incorporating a sense of peace into my life but the past 3 days have shown me, I haven't worked at this hard enough.  Unexpected shit happens to everyone. It’s important that I take stock of the last three days and acknowledge them as a part of life.  I need to get back to expecting the unexpected again sometimes, because from my past, I know I will then spend less time resisting life’s inevitable curveballs and more time proactively dealing with them.

Just like unexpected shit, painful events and experiences happen to everyone. Sometimes, life can be so utterly painful that it feels like nothing will ever take away the feeling of the sorrow or hurt.  I know that everything heals in its own time, and sometimes I have found that good can come from even the most traumatic situations.

No matter how terrible or shit something feels, I know that since enduring this line being placed that I actually have the strength to get through whatever life throws my way. I know that there will be many moments in my future, that will be beautiful and some will be downright difficult. I cannot control what happens to me, but I can and I will decide what lessons I will choose to learn from them.

My life is constantly unraveling, sometimes I have a problem and that is down to the fact that I want to jump straight to the end and see what happens. I know that when I am patient, it becomes easier to deal with life's celebrations and setbacks. Knowing that sometimes only time can resolve any of my situations gives me the ability to let go and be present.

Like me, we all experience disappointments and these serendipitous moments but it is time to step back and reflect on how I respond to things.  I know that inner peace comes from appreciating life, even with every quirk and bump, but it is more about doing what I can, knowing that sometimes the path I choose will take unexpected turns.  

Growing and learning is challenging, but I know if I manage to weather the storms that come my way, I will always come out stronger than before.