Explaining Myself???

I've realized that I waste a lot of energy on explaining my decisions. Sometimes, my explanations are an attempt to connect with another person or to step a little further out of hiding. Often, they are a result of my own self-doubt and desire for people to like me.

As I have explained in previous posts, I feel an obligation to say yes to almost everything.  Sometimes I'm glad to agree, other times I'd prefer to do something else entirely. It can get very tricky when the thing I'd prefer to do seems unimportant, wanting a quiet night at home doesn't seem like a valid reason to decline an invitation, but half the time, I'm exhausted and maybe feeling a little sick and I have a lot I need to get done the next day and… and… and…

When someone asks me, I often think that is a sufficient reason to say yes but in order for me to say no, I always feel I have to prove that I have an abundance of important and inescapable circumstances that are in the way.  

In life, as humans, we offer or we don't offer an explanation of our choices for a variety of reasons.  Often,  I personally am motivated by fear, guilt or self doubt.  I can also be honoring myself and others.  There isn't a straightforward answer to the question of how much to explain and when. While there may be some truth to the idea that we don't owe anyone an explanation, there are still plenty of situations when explaining is the right choice for us personally.  Often, becoming more aware of the reasons behind my urge to explain myself helps me make better choices about how much to share.

I hate making anyone uncomfortable, I also hate disappointing people, I have been like this since my early teens.  Often, if I am giving someone information I fear that they won't like, i find it tempting to pile on heavier explanations.  I believe if I can give a compelling enough reason for my choice, I can ensure the other person will see things my way.  If I have a good enough excuse for declining an invitation, then maybe they won't take it so personally and be hurt. If I have enough solid reasons for my choice, maybe they won't be mad that I didn't follow their advice.  Maybe if I can make them understand, then they will still like me.

Choosing something another person might not like can prompt feelings of guilt in me. When I feel guilty about any of my decisions, I often turn to explanations and excuses to convince the other person and myself that I have a very good reason for choosing the way I did.

Many of us believe, whether we realize it or not, that other people's wants, needs, and feelings are more important than our own. We believe saying no or declining an invitation is selfish or rude. We think that in order to be kind, generous, and likable we have to be unfailingly agreeable and accommodating, this really isn't the case. 

In life, no matter what I decide, there will likely be someone who doesn't agree with my decision. It doesn't matter if the choice is around career, education, diet, or what colour I have my hair,.  While it doesn't feel great to have people disagree with me, I am less impacted by their opinion if I am confident about my own choices.  If I am unsure about a decision, I often look to others for reassurance. I am so guilty of over-explaining in the hope that the other person will understand and come around to my point of view. Often, it's not really about the other person changing their mind as much as it is about needing external approval for my own choices.

When I started this blog, I was not as concerned about making someone see things my way.  I am trusting people to support me,  whether they agree with me, my views, opinions or decisions or not.  My explanations and posts are not a form of persuasion or manipulation but a sign of respect and of me growing as a person throughout this condition and it's a chance for the people to get to know the real me. 

I could of carried on and stayed silent in order to not disrupt others' good opinion of me! But I thought if nobody reads it who cares and if one person reads it and it can help them even in a tiny way them I have helped someone.  By staying quiet, others often fill in the blanks about who I really am with their idea of who they think I should be, often it is safer to let them think they know me, it went through my mind that they might not like me if I share more of who I truly am.  

I am at a very critical point in my life, a time when the divide between who I am and how others see me has become too great, the permanent chest line caused this and so I am no longer content inside to stay hidden. Taking this step to visibility was not easy, the  decision to be open and honest about who I truly am and where I stand on world topics and whether or not anyone else truly understands the real me that has stayed hidden away at work under my comedy like bravado.